Under proposals from the SNP in Scotland (hence the S), Scotland would get 9% of the UK – including ice cream vans, babies, human waste and as many shiny things as Britons can fit in an envelope.
Alex Salmond was expected to tell Scotsfolk that things were just fine in Scotland, but instead revealed that an independent Scotland would be a more condensed, colder version of the UK.
“I can’t wait to get 9% of kiddies piggy-banks,” said the First Minister
The UK Government responded to the demands by not responding at all – a trick they picked up from the SNP themselves.
If Scots vote for independence, then Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond will travel up and down the UK picking up 9% of possessions from households. One resident of London had this to say:
“I’m happy for that strange man to come into my home and take a few things – as long as he takes away some of the rats under my shed.”
Asked if he would be writing his wish list to Santa, Salmond said, “Santa is a Unionist Tory, so no.”
Pressed for more answers, Salmond then recited some Robert Burns, talked about the oil he ate for breakfast then pretended to get a funny text and left the room.
