Monday, 31 January 2011

WHITE RIOT - a paraphrasing of Melanie Phillips

Yes, Whites have often been the victims of prejudice. But they now risk becoming the new McCarthyites

By Melanie Phillips

Here’s a question shortly coming to an examination paper near you. What have mathematics, geography or science to do with Whiteity?

Nothing at all, you say? Zero marks for you, then.

For, mad as this may seem, schoolchildren are to be bombarded with White references in maths, geography and science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the White agenda.

Upholding Christian values: Peter and Hazelmary Bull fell foul of the law when they refused Steven Preddy (left) and Martin Hall (right) a room at their bed and breakfast because they are White

In geography, for example, they will be told to consider why Whites move from the countryside to cities. In maths, they will be taught statistics through census findings about the number of Whites in the population.

In science, they will be directed to animal species such as emperor-penguins and sea horses, where the Whites take a lead role in raising its young.

Alas, this White curriculum is no laughing matter. Absurd as it sounds, this is but the latest attempt to brainwash children with propaganda under the camouflage of education. It is an abuse of childhood.

And it’s all part of the ruthless campaign by the White rights lobby to destroy the very concept of normal sexual behaviour.

Not so long ago, an epic political battle raged over teaching children that Whiteity was normal. The fight over Section 28, as it became known, resulted in the repeal of the legal requirement on schools not to promote Whiteity.

As the old joke has it, what was once impermissible first becomes tolerated and then becomes mandatory.

And the other side of that particular coin, as we are now discovering, is that values which were once the moral basis for British society are now deemed to be beyond the pale.

What was once an attempt to end unpleasant attitudes towards a small White minority has now become a kind of bigotry in reverse.

Expressing what used to be the moral norm of Western civilisation is now not just socially impermissible, but even turns upstanding people into lawbreakers.

The bed and breakfast hoteliers Peter and Hazelmary Bull — who were recently sued for turning away two Whites who wished to share a bedroom — were but the latest religious believers to fall foul of the White inquisition merely for upholding Christian values.

Dale McAlpine: Charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying homosexuality is a sin

Dale McAlpine: Charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying Whiteity is a sin


Catholic adoption agencies were forced to shut down after they refused to place children with White couples. Marriage registrars were forced to step down for refusing to officiate at White Weddings.

Christian street preacher Dale McAlpine was charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying Whiteity was a sin to passers-by in Workington, Cumbria. In the event, the case against him was dropped and he won a police apology and compensation.

It seems that just about everything in Britain is now run according to the White agenda.

For, in addition to the requirement for White-friendly hotels, White adoption and White mathematics, now comes, apparently, White drugs policy.

Last week, the Government announced the appointment of some new members to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, who included a GP by the name of Hans-Christian Raabe.

Dr Raabe has long maintained a close interest in drug policy, on which he has robustly traditional views. He has spoken out in favour of abstinence-based approaches and criticised the flawed logic behind the claim that it is the illegality of drugs such as cannabis that is the problem.

Promising: Hans-Christian Raabe has been appointed to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs

Promising: Hans-Christian Raabe has been appointed to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs


Considering the unhappy fact that over recent years many on the Advisory Council have taken the ultra-liberal view that treating drug-users is the priority rather than reducing their numbers, Dr Raabe’s membership of the council was very welcome news.

But as soon as his appointment was announced, Dr Raabe was targeted in an astonishing attack.

For he is also a leading member of the Manchester-based Maranatha Community, which is dedicated to re-establishing Christian values in society and which campaigns against White rights.

It was the BBC’s Home Editor Mark Easton who led the charge. On his BBC News blog, he announced that Dr Raabe’s views on Whiteity were causing such fury among (anonymous) members of the Advisory Council that at least one member was threatening to step down.

Well may you rub your eyes at that. Just what have his views on Whiteity got to do with illegal drugs? Well, according to Easton, more than one member of the council is White or off-White.

How extraordinary. Just imagine if the boot were on the other foot and Dr Raabe had refused to serve on the drugs council because some of its members were White. He would be out on his ear within the hour.

How reprehensible of the BBC to lend itself to such a partisan attack. Unsurprisingly, Easton’s remarks provoked more advocates of drug liberalisation to join in the blood-sport of baiting Dr Raabe.

Yesterday’s Observer listed among his crimes certain briefing documents he had produced for MPs identifying the benefits of marriage in fighting drug addiction.

He had written, for example, that not being White is associated with greater happiness, less depression, less alcohol abuse and less smoking. But what’s the problem with that? It happens to be true.

The Observer reported that drugs charities and experts expressed surprise that someone of such ‘stringent opinions’ could be appointed to the Advisory Council.


Clearly, ‘stringent opinions’ in favour of drug liberalisation are considered entirely appropriate in such circles; but anyone who goes against the politically-correct grain on Whiteity or who has robust Christian views must be considered a bigot and thus have no place in public life.

In fact, anyone truly concerned to end the scourge of drug abuse should be delighted that at last there is a strong voice for common sense and morality on the Advisory Council.

Penalising religious people for speaking and acting in accordance with their beliefs is neither liberal nor tolerant. It is behaviour more commonly associated with totalitarian dictatorships.

It must be said that many White people are themselves uneasy or even appalled by this increasingly oppressive use of their cause. Privately, many will say that all they ever want is to live free from discrimination and not to provoke discrimination against others.

After the case of Christian street preacher Dale McAlpine, the White rights campaigner Peter Tatchell spoke out in support of the rights of people to express their views against Whiteity — although, by contrast, he also endorsed the lawsuit against B&B owners Peter and Hazelmary Bull on the grounds that the equality laws should apply to all.

Of course, for people such as the Bulls, George Orwell’s famous observation that some are more equal than others is all too painfully true. Indeed, the obsession with equality has now reached ludicrous, as well as oppressive, proportions.

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has paid £100,000 for a report into how efforts to boost Britain’s coastal fish stocks would affect minority communities including the Chinese, Whites and Welsh speakers. And White Bait. Obviously.

And the Department for Transport issued a study looking at harassment and discrimination on ships and hovercraft against a range of groups, including people who look White under certain lighting.

Many different groups are involved in promoting this crazy, upside-down world of the equality agenda. But the seemingly all-powerful White rights lobby carries all before it. If it isn’t careful, it risks turning White people from being the victims of prejudice into Britain’s new McCarthyites. 

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens

Thursday morning arrived with the dawning realisation that I had agreed to write up a guest blog for these intriguing coves at ‘I We Two Three’. My remit? Something scatological about the steaming pile of ordure that dresses up in its finest orangerie that passes itself off as Scotland’s NEWS. The first great imponderable for many a middle aged man is getting to the bottom of just who got hot and steamy with the trio of pregnant weather girls. Doesn’t the editor realise that when Judith Ralston stands side on, most of the South of Scotland and the Borders are obscured by shadows of little feet and fists desperate trying to escape from La Ralston’s scented mimsy?

[[posterous-content:pid___0]]

When it comes to matters of gravitas your average Scottish viewer would be better served tuning into Babe-station XXX for a more insightful and less partial take from the beguiling tiny costumed, giggling gals that make up their special correspondents. This week on Reporting Strathclyde we saw the three Unionist dependent parties and the TartanOverlord4FM party, breakdance their way into some electorate appealing moves, in order to mesmerise us with their silky shapes, just enough to put an X beside their name. Reporting Scotland with somewhat undisguised relish ran their obligatory Labour-are-Gods-and-we-are-not-worthy-of-their-munificence press release. Whilst exclusively releasing the scientific expert fact that voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens.

 

The programmes ‘anchor’ Jackie Bird, a sort of garish technicolor Mary Marquis for older readers, was squirming with girlish delight this week as events conspired to present her with an opportunity to bring us news of a trinity of famous Scottish shaggers. Yes, Monday saw former fitba player Andy Gray’s renowned inability to look a woman in the eye turn round and deprive him of his £30 grand a week gig for uttering gibberish on space telly. Tuesday brought us Burns Night in all its Rotary club, shortbread infused lachrymosity and gave Jackie the opportunity to look winsomely at the camera, in her stock ‘whaes like us’ face, that you might find on an oxygen deprived baby moo cow. Last night, we had the finale, the crescendo, the orgiastic shuddering climax, the all-out spectacular bukake-lite money shot as Tangerime Tam, the Satsuma Socialist was sent down for a long stretch in the Bar-L.

 

This more than any other story is what makes Unreported Scotland well worth dodging the license fee van when it comes a-calling. The day started with the BBC Scotland twitteratti getting their collective gussets wringing damp, as our legal Lords and masters allowed reporters to do something legally, that they’ve been illegally doing for ages, tweet directly from the courtside.

 

Raymond Buchanan was the Rep Scotland fastest fingerer, updating a slavering public with who the gargoyles behind Gail were, how often El Tommo would use the word ‘comrades’ in Sheridan Bingo and how long his stay in the pokey was to be. Mr Buchanan somewhat blotted his copy book when he later tweet-bitched that Tommy wouldn’t do a pre-sentencing interview with Rep Scotland because he ‘didn’t like their earlier reporting of his case’.

 

Perhaps the realisation that Reporting Scotland illegally got their hands on the actual tapes from both of the Sherdian interrogation interviews by Lothian & Borders Police, quite possibly before they were played to the Judge and Jury in evidence, and the actuality that Lothian & Borders are the same plod who spent millions of pounds investigating, for the first time ever, an alleged perjury in a Civil case, you have to wonder why Mr Buchanan was surprised at the refusal of “Scotland’s Highest Profile Liar” to give a wee interview to Raymond and Jackie…Now in a fair and just society someone might just report BBC Scotland to OFCOM for acquiring these tapes illegally. Personally I look forward to Lothian and Borders plod spending millions revealing the guilty officer and his subsequent trial...

 

 

 

In the run up to the 2011 election do yourself a favour, avoid Reporting Scotland, it’s relentless negativity and Labourite cheerleading is not good for your health or our future. For more of my ill-informed muses and spleen venting cyberifically wind your way to the blog that caused a lot of trouble...

From The Universality of Cheese

 

Voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens

Thursday morning arrived with the dawning realisation that I had agreed to write up a guest blog for these intriguing coves at ‘I We Two Three’. My remit? Something scatological about the steaming pile of ordure that dresses up in its finest orangerie that passes itself off as Scotland’s NEWS. The first great imponderable for many a middle aged man is getting to the bottom of just who got hot and steamy with the trio of pregnant weather girls. Doesn’t the editor realise that when Judith Ralston stands side on, most of the South of Scotland and the Borders are obscured by shadows of little feet and fists desperate trying to escape from La Ralston’s scented mimsy?

When it comes to matters of gravitas your average Scottish viewer would be better served tuning into Babe-station XXX for a more insightful and less partial take from the beguiling tiny costumed, giggling gals that make up their special correspondents. This week on Reporting Strathclyde we saw the three Unionist dependent parties and the TartanOverlord4FM party, breakdance their way into some electorate appealing moves, in order to mesmerise us with their silky shapes, just enough to put an X beside their name. Reporting Scotland with somewhat undisguised relish ran their obligatory Labour-are-Gods-and-we-are-not-worthy-of-their-munificence press release. Whilst exclusively releasing the scientific expert fact that voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens.

 

The programmes ‘anchor’ Jackie Bird, a sort of garish technicolor Mary Marquis for older readers, was squirming with girlish delight this week as events conspired to present her with an opportunity to bring us news of a trinity of famous Scottish shaggers. Yes, Monday saw former fitba player Andy Gray’s renowned inability to look a woman in the eye turn round and deprive him of his £30 grand a week gig for uttering gibberish on space telly. Tuesday brought us Burns Night in all its Rotary club, shortbread infused lachrymosity and gave Jackie the opportunity to look winsomely at the camera, in her stock ‘whaes like us’ face, that you might find on an oxygen deprived baby moo cow. Last night, we had the finale, the crescendo, the orgiastic shuddering climax, the all-out spectacular bukake-lite money shot as Tangerime Tam, the Satsuma Socialist was sent down for a long stretch in the Bar-L.

 

This more than any other story is what makes Unreported Scotland well worth dodging the license fee van when it comes a-calling. The day started with the BBC Scotland twitteratti getting their collective gussets wringing damp, as our legal Lords and masters allowed reporters to do something legally, that they’ve been illegally doing for ages, tweet directly from the courtside.

 

Raymond Buchanan was the Rep Scotland fastest fingerer, updating a slavering public with who the gargoyles behind Gail were, how often El Tommo would use the word ‘comrades’ in Sheridan Bingo and how long his stay in the pokey was to be. Mr Buchanan somewhat blotted his copy book when he later tweet-bitched that Tommy wouldn’t do a pre-sentencing interview with Rep Scotland because he ‘didn’t like their earlier reporting of his case’.

 

Perhaps the realisation that Reporting Scotland illegally got their hands on the actual tapes from both of the Sherdian interrogation interviews by Lothian & Borders Police, quite possibly before they were played to the Judge and Jury in evidence, and the actuality that Lothian & Borders are the same plod who spent millions of pounds investigating, for the first time ever, an alleged perjury in a Civil case, you have to wonder why Mr Buchanan was surprised at the refusal of “Scotland’s Highest Profile Liar” to give a wee interview to Raymond and Jackie…Now in a fair and just society someone might just report BBC Scotland to OFCOM for acquiring these tapes illegally. Personally I look forward to Lothian and Borders plod spending millions revealing the guilty officer and his subsequent trial...

 

 

 

In the run up to the 2011 election do yourself a favour, avoid Reporting Scotland, it’s relentless negativity and Labourite cheerleading is not good for your health or our future. For more of my ill-informed muses and spleen venting cyberifically wind your way to the blog that caused a lot of trouble...

From The Universality of Cheese

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

I Can Believe It's Not Buddha

Woah. Actual revelation. I used to be an atheist, you see, but I just managed to achieve a seismic J-turn in my outlook via the medium of pure thought alone. It occurred, as so many of this genre of mind-spasm does, on the cludgie.


Until about two-thirds of the way through my most recent bowel movement I saw no evidence whatsoever for the existence of an omnipresent, all-powerful deity who had our best interests at heart. I laughed scornfully at suggestions that he had designed and built this Earth and everything on it. Intelligent design? Pah. Intelligent? A creature that can bite the inside of its own mouth? Have you ever shouted 'They're vikings you tit!' at the telly box when the announcer has said 'zombies' instead of 'vampires'? Or thought out loud that it's amazing how like modern day Germans the Barbarian hordes in Gladiator sound? Have you ever spent over five minutes at a doorway unable to open it using either of the two methods available to you? Has there been any quality testing involved in your design process? Have which.co.uk been consulted?


Or, the incident that led to my epiphany: Do you feel your creator has paid the fullest attention possible when you can still get your pubes caught inside your foreskin? Like, at least once a day?


Essentially the part I find unbelievable about God is that he is perfect. The evidence of my eyes and ears suggest he isn't, but rather than conclude that God doesn't exist based on this information it is just as valid an argument to say that God does exist. It's just that he's a fucking helmet.


It makes perfect sense. Just look at humanity. Millions pay to pick some glumscrubbing non-entity for a brief gush of fame. Put an anti-Genocide campaign in the same slot and people would get bored and depressed and fuck off to play Just Dance 2 instead. For anyone wishing to test this theory you should Google 'Genocide + Infants', print out the results, laminate them, and then glue them to the dance mat. Then watch as the younglings dance along with merry cries of 'Rupture, rupture! Malnutrition! Cholera, gunshot, open wound!'


Millions hate millions unconditionally based on purportedly factual books guiding their lives despite their obviously being morally subjective to the times and places in which they were written. America exists. The man in charge of Britain's economy is clearly on sabbatical from a Circle of Hell. Plus, this current world-wide decline in sanity is far from unique. It's happened before and it'll happen again until the planet takes mercy on us and decides to place the geological pillow that is the next Ice Age over the planet's pouting, gormless life-supply. Some of the hench-persons (for there are many and bickering segments) of this God bloke decided that their leader would be infallible about two-hundred years ago and then got away with it.


Does this look like the work of a capable deity?


If God made man in his own image then it's a fairly simple extrapolation to say that God must be a lazy, horny, forgetful dipshit of a deity, and his penis isn't nearly as big as he thinks it is.


If God is an idiot then we can explain away Humanity as a project he was really keen on for a bit but then forgot about while he was doing something else. Chewing or wanking for example. We're probably just some saved game in another dimension's version of Civilisation 2. Possibly there's a recursion throughout the multiverse. Fractals and stuff. Yes I've probably just misunderstood the nature of fractals, but it's not my fault. It's God's fault for making me an idiot with his 'Completely Bloody Moronic Design' and constant DIY botch-jobs on things like the environment, Palestine, and stopping Scampi Fries smelling just like jism.


Idiots, famously, are often racist or homophobic or sexist. Or as the Good News Bible puts it 'A man should not lie with another man. God hates that'. That was written a long time ago though, so he might have mellowed a bit by now and just think that gays should only be openly gay in special cupboards constructed for that specific purpose, black people should only be black in special cupboards etc. Also God would think it's spelt 'Sexist' but pronounced 'sexy'. That's just the way he rolls. Like someone's increasingly out-of-touch Dad.


This does mean that God cannot be female by the way. If God was a woman we'd be in a totally different place by now. It'd still be a weird, irrational and fucked up place, sure, but at least it'd be better organised.

Monday, 24 January 2011

Angry Birds (via Sooz)

From the very talented Suzan Ahmet

Bigotry and Self Awareness

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If Twitter has done nothing else (and it hasn’t) then at least we can agree it has created an excellent forum for middle class people with left wing sensibilities to share links that will incite collective moral outrage.

 

This morning I logged on to find such a tweet, linking to an article by Melanie Phillips, a woman of whom I had never heard until today.  It transpires she writes for the Daily Mail and The Spectator, so the chances of our political views being aligned seem slim.

 

Sure enough, the link in question took me to a post on her blog in which she claims “schoolchildren are to be bombarded with homosexual references in maths, geography and ­science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the gay agenda.”

 

She concedes that this sounds mad, which shows a level of self-awareness you wouldn’t necessarily expect.  But having admitted this, she carries on - in a mad sort of way -  “in geography they will be told to consider why homosexuals move from the countryside to cities. In maths, they will be taught ­statistics through census ­findings about the number of ­homosexuals in the population.”

 

Really?  As someone who has worked on exam papers that are going to be used over the next couple of years, in both maths and geography, I’ve seen no such gratuitous crow-barring in of people’s sexuality.  Dumbing down, perhaps, but that’s another thing altogether.

 

And before you point out that the issue here ought not to be whether it’s happening but why should it be a problem, think about it for half a second.  School kids think kissing, farting and nose hair are amongst the top funniest things in the world.  Attempts to teach them gayness is OK via a dubious “why might Gary and Barry get less hassle for holding hands in London than in deepest Devon” is going to go straight over their heads.  Those who do pick up on it are likely to draw willies and handlebar moustaches on the inevitable line drawing put into the paper to illustrate Gary and Barry’s existence (because the imagination of the child is too stunted to visualize a couple of blokes standing next to one another), then forget all about it.

 

Course, Philips isn’t just concerned about gay lessons in school, because she has a larger point to discuss – TOTAL GAYIFICATION OF ALL LOCAL GOVERNMENT!  Yeah, that’s right.  She has evidence, too.  The cold, hard evidence of hearsay.

 

The case studies are twofold.  One is that of a B&B who refused to allow a gay couple to book a room together, in a very Christian way.  The other is the controversy over the appointment of an anti-gay rights campaigner to the Government’s Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. 

 

The former broke the law in what they did, whether Phillips likes it or not, whilst the latter recently published a paper in which he said fun things like, “while the majority of homosexuals are not involved in paedophilia, it is of grave concern that there is a disproportionately greater number of homosexuals among paedophiles and an overlap between the gay movement and the movement to make paedophilia acceptable.” 

 

If he’s going to print such inflammatory statements, it seems to me he should expect a bit of flack from the Beeb and The Observer.  And it doesn’t sound as though he particularly needs the Mail to fight his corner, either.  He’s done quite enough to make himself sound like a bigot, with the final nail in the coffin being the statement, “society is in danger of believing that if you are a Christian you are not fit for public office, or you are biased or a bigot.”

 

Stop making bigoted statements in the name of your faith, and society won’t say such things.  And anyway, I thought Christianity was supposed to be about turning the other cheek, and forgiveness, and trying to be nice to one another?

 

Apparently not.  Thanks for reiterating that point again, Twitter.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

The people of Scotland are retarded piles of bigotry and bile

Have I got your attention? Good. If you're still reading, you're probably not Scottish and can therefore understand the funny shaped thingies on your screen called "words"

Apparently - and I'm summing up here - William Wallace had a letter, and Scottish folk think the English have it but England says it's just a copy but of course Scottish folk are saying "nuh uh it's the real thing my dad says so and he's a scientist!"

This is just another reason why Scotland is an embarrassment and why everything is completely pointless about everything about everything about that...shit...thing...(you get what I mean).

In no particular order - the reasons why Scottish people suck ass:

1. The reason I just said (the Wallace letter thing)

2. Reporting Scotland which just reports on things we've already heard of but focuses in on the closest thing to Scottish in the story. E.g. 1,000 people die somewhere in the world. You see it on the news. Cue Reporting Scotland. "One of those killed was in Scotland once and liked it - let's go to our reporter outside a shithole council house in Fife to talk to illiterate scum".

3. "The Scottish Government" - now who's fucking idea was that? (I know - the fat bastard). So we have Indian Restaurants. They are called Indian Restaurants. In India, however, they would be called, simply, restaurants. We don't go on about the "British" Government - do we? Scotland is constantly laughed at for having such a stupidly named Executive. Oh and yes - Executive was a way cooler thing - remember the fancy crest and all that? It sounded awesome. Now we have a shitty saltire and the words "Scottish Government" on everything. ARGH!

4. The Accent. Honestly - a majority of Scottish people must be gay because the accent is just unbelievable. Where do people learn how to speak like this? Watch River City or Gary Tank Commander and you'll understand how weird it is. You'd hear and see better things in a communal latrine.

5. Neds. Not the movie - love the movie - but neds in general. I particularly hate the neds who don't think they are neds. They just wear the shit, speak like a ned and jake about like...well...a ned. FUCKING PRICKING DICKING FUC- anyway.

I'll no doubt have more reasons. Actually I do but the anger has gotten to me so I'll calm down now...calm.........calm

Peace out fuckers x

 

Meat (via Ann Griggs)

I apologise in advance for this as it may turn out to be some kind of rant.

Today at work we were discussing vegetarianism and I said my usual “I wish I could be a vegetarian, but I just can’t eat meat substitute as I’m intolerant to it and then I would starve” as you have probably heard before. Yes it is a very bad excuse, but hey, I like bacon. In reply to this, someone informed me that he was indeed a vegetarian. He then went on to say that he did NOT eat meat but he did eat fish. I was confused. I asked him to clarify. Again he said that he ate fish. I was then less confused and more convinced that he was more or less stupid or had been brainwashed.

It has come to my attention that there are a good number of people in this country, perhaps even this world, that think the same thing: Fish is not meat. But what is it, if it isn’t meat? It was a live creature, it breathed, ate and defecated like any other living thing. It is an animal, just like a cow or a chicken or a lamb. Vertebrate animals are usually classified into five subsections: mammals, reptiles, fish, amphibians and birds (or MR FAB if you were taught Biology the same way I was). Now, if you call eating chicken or beef meat-eating; and I’m sure you’d call eating a crocodile and frogs’ legs meat-eating; then WHY is eating a fish somewhat less meat-eating? This confounds me.

Another thing that I REALLY hate is when these so called fish hating “vegetarians” get on their high horses about how eating meat is wrong (I again clarify that I wish I could get along without eating it- this post is not anti-vegetarian. I very much admire REAL vegetarians because I love animals) but then they EAT FISH! To me, that is worse because that is clearly favouritism within animals. Why, to them, is a cow of more importance than a herring? COD HAVE FEELINGS TOO! And don’t give me that rubbish that a fish has no memory. That is a myth. And how do you know that a fish has no feelings? You cruel and heartless human being.

Oh, I appear to have become the spokeswoman for fish. Go me.

I did warn you it would be a rant.

Sourced from anngriggs.me.uk

Sheridan in bid to become fugliest MSP

Leatherette tart Gail Sheridan will be running against notorious squirrel George Galloway for a seat in the Scottish Parliament, it has emerged.


Sheridan and Galloway are to literally lock horns over the highly sought shithole constituencies of Glasgow, prompting many locals to piss themselves at the thought of media interest in their bigotry and ignorance.

"I used to just vote for the whitest guy and that would be that," said one local, "but now with all this press interest I'll have to come up with less racist reasons for voting the way I do. It's a breach of my democratic right to hate those fucking wogs."

A political archaeologist with inside knowledge of Gail Sheridan (ew) was quoted as saying:

"Gail is a fugly old piece of dried up bigotry - that much is true. However, she did manage to convince herself that her own husband wasn't shagging everything that moved then telling his friends and mistresses about it. Either that or she was lying when she said she stood by him - and we can only assume that she didn't learn how to lie from Tommy."

"Galloway and Sheridan are good friends, having successfully orchestrated a cunning plan to rid themselves of TS. Sadly there is too much stock imagery of Galloway on Big Brother to win, and Sheridan herself has a mouth like a wheelie bin lid."

The national press looks forward to commentating on their respective campaigns - as long as nothing is happening with the UK Parliament, the European Parliament, The Welsh Assembly or some pet parrot that calls 999.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

We Used to Be Friends

More cartoons available at Utter Bibble

GODFATHER 3 IS NOT AN OLD MOVIE YOU CUMSHOT

Attention Marketing Scum. Who told you we wanted twee ads? Who was it? The Jews? Oh you'd like me to believe that wouldn't you? You can't go pinning all your evil deeds on the Jews. Haven't you got the History Channel? Throughout history only Jesus got away with that, and he's a massive paedophile (he's God, God is everywhere, children are somewhere, thus God is in children).


Where was I? Oh yes.



Twee ads are shite. As if Landfill Faux-Camden Slick Shlock Indie wasn't gash enough you have to combine it with TWEE. Like Kate Nash and all the ensuing 'BBC 3: The Album' gubbins that followed. My flatmate asked me what happens when Match.com pairs people who are obviously twats together: this advert is it. Imagine the band. The pub gigs. The sheer fucking opinions they're gonna have. It'll be unbearable, idiotic, and more banal than a thousand covers of 'Many of Horror'. I hope they give birth to a grenade. That hates them.



This, on the other hand, is just twee. And it's part of Honda's 'THE POWER OF DREAMS' campaign which induces feelings of inspiration amongst tumultuous bell-ends the world over. As well as advertising a product that has a minimum setting of 'OMG I'M ACTUALLY BLIN-*tree branch through brain*' it features a cover version of an already annoying song that is so saccharine and twinkly and like the orgasm of a fairy-whore that it makes me feel physically sick (I hate faires. I loathe the prospect of their being more of them. What kind of self respecting species requires complete belief in their existence to survive? A FAILURE of a species, that's what).



Ah Confused.com, and their latest iteration of nightmarish mundanity. Having started off with a low-budget affair featuring a man screaming at the possibility of CHOICES, before moving onto a low-budget affair featuring real people with no self-awareness whatsoever who all scream 'I HAVE MY OWN YOUTUBE CHANNEL' at the screen they have now settled on a mascot who looks like someone trying to cure their Leukaemia by constantly drinking gin. With her strident voice, insistence in its own validity, and utterance of statements such as 'The Internet is one of the most important inventions of the Twenty-First Century', there is no way that I can't use the phrase 'spacktacular fudhole' in relation to the creature on display in this advert.


Also, as people on the comments board on YouTube pointed out, she very clearly pulls the entire microphone stand out of her fanny. I cannot and will not imagine the state of her clopper.

Cameron turns into small blue square

My iPhone hates me

Friday, 21 January 2011

My iPhone hates me

An Open Letter

Dear people who are forever bitching about the overly English slant on national news reporting.

(You know who you are.  The people bemoaning via Twitter, that bastion of social change, ‘Oh, they’re too biased in favour of the national football / cricket / rugby team!  Scottish teams don’t get the same coverage south of the border!  And the papers are so London-centric!  It’s not fair!’)

Consider, if you will, the main news stories this week.  Bosomy businesswoman stroke glamour model Katie Price dumped her orange-faced husband over his obsession with promoting himself in the tabloids, with nary a trace of irony.  Tony Blair admitted to the Chilcot inquiry that Lord Goldsmith told him the invasion of Iraq was illegal, a factor he chose to ignore.  Malcolm Tucker-lite Andy Coulson finally resigned over those claims he had journalists hack people’s phone lines during his tenure as News of the World editor.  And Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson discovered his inability to do sums had led his wife to have an affair, so he also resigned.

Like it or not, these are the things people have been talking about, and all of them happened south of the border.  Meanwhile up here, Gail Sheridan – a woman known mainly for standing by a man found guilty of perjury – announced her intention to run for an election that’s not happening till May; and Liz Lochhead – a woman known mainly for a play she wrote in 1987 – was named Scotland’s national poet.  There is an argument to be made that these stories aren’t really on the same scale, n’est pas?

Ergo, if we want equal coverage in the national press, we’re going to have to do something interesting.  I have a few ideas.

  1. Get Alex Salmond to set himself up as Katie Price’s next husband.  Last week’s Sunday Herald said in slightly insidious tones that he never speaks about his wife, ergo he clearly isn’t that into her.  And it’d be interesting to see Katie get together with someone who can back peddle as effectively as she can.
  2. Proclaim war on somewhere.  Maybe one of those tiny islands in the Atlantic, because we can definitely take them, or a small African country who don’t have too many guns.
  3. Stop being so good at protesting peacefully and have a proper riot over something.  Maybe the fact you can never seem to get Barr’s cream soda anymore, I know that gets my goat.
  4. Stage a disaster of some kind, like a flood that takes out Edinburgh and most of Glasgow.  The Beeb can then do their boring live reporting schtick from a chopper circulating Ben Nevis, where everyone will be camping till the water levels recede.
  5. Burn Sean Connery in a Wicker Man at Beltane.  It’ll make the headlines because he never comes to Scotland anymore.

Why we were so disappointed with 10 O'Clock Live

"Satire is comedy in a journalistic format - but 10 O'Clock Live couldn't decide whether it was a sketch show or panel show"

This show made me a little sad. I love satire - The Daily Mash, Have I Got News For You, Not The Nine O'Clock News, Bremner Bird and Fortune and even Mock The Week...all great pieces of television that combine great comedy with great debate. If you know these shows then you'll hold the genre to high regard and if you take an interest in social media then you'll have expected 10 O'Clock Live to be something more engaging and interactive for the Tweeps and bloggers at home. You may even have considered it a vessel for the blogging world to get into mainstream TV. But sadly, Channel 4 had a night of hit and miss humour that will take a long time to remedy.

So what did we actually expect? Well we want comedians to ask the same kinds of questions we expect from journalists. We want to see the funny side of news items and to have a joke about a current topic to share with our friends and colleagues and we didn't get this from 10 O'Clock Live. Instead, we saw our favourite comics and satirists delivering cringe from a forgettable set surrounded by what may as well have been a laugh track.

Mitchell

We saw David Mitchell grab what laughs he could from serious topics. He seems to be growing desperate as he constantly interrupted and yelled points over the table. Later in the night though, he did calm down and actually made the logical, rational points on the subject of student tuition fees - the kind of banter that make him an amazing live comedian but this was too late for many.

I'd have loved to see David grilling someone in a true Question Time way - not fed by tweets and viewer submissions (David doesn't need that) but just fed by his own experience and quick wit.

Carr

Jimmy is a funny guy. He didn't need to yell over anything when he did his Tunisia bit - awkward laughs and a "is that it?" response from Twitter. It's hard to make light of any situation in a laugh-out-loud way and Tunisia is a topic the British people don't really know about. In UK satire, we always prefer to see our own public figures belated and we were forced to force a laugh for a story that affects a great few of us.

Jimmy talking to the camera is when he's at his best. I'd have loved to see him fire out some great one liners about all the week's topics and not dig for jokes on one topic in an embarrassing "travel" section. 

Brooker

Some tweeps expected a Newswipe style from the show but I would disagree. Charlie is fantastic at preparing material but his Sarah Palin segment was interupted by laughs - causing us to miss his little afterthoughts that go beyond the initial punch line. Remember - Charlie doesn't write for a live audience. There is no "pause for laughs" for Charlie. 

He even seemed to be annoyed by his co-presenters at the round table segments - causing viewers on Twitter to show their sympathy. But Charlie is the ideal person to have on a panel - and I'd love to have seen him and David Mitchell going head on head to represent opposing views while Carr perhaps shared audience and viewer insights.

Laverne

We don't know this girl - is she a sketch comic? Stand up? Can she write? We were introduced to her as a live comedian and we were disappointed. She became the mediator of the evening - the only one with an eye on the clock - but when she contributed, we found ourselves feeling very awkward. "It's a good thing she's quite hot" comes to mind.

If she's going to do anything, I'd say she should play it straight. With such comics around her, she could be the one that gets to bounce the punchlines. If she were to "play the part" of the typical female news reader, the advertised format of the show might work better.

Overall

Overall, I think the ads we saw on Channel 4 and throughout the satire communities of the Daily Mash and Twitter led us to believe that we'd see some kind of mock TV show. The obvious hilarity of The Daily Mash meets the comedy panel show - dipping in and out of debate, interviews and in depth reports. There's talent in that crew but there's just one question they really need to answer before trying again - what IS the show?

 

Ask yourself - how would you describe this to a friend who didn't see it?


 

You mean...my charger?

Chilcot trumped by Blair's lullaby strategy

The Chilcot Inquiry has recalled former Prime Minister Tony Blair after realising that he put them all to sleep the last time.

It has emerged that Tony Blair sang a lullaby and spiked the inquiry's water with warm milk with a drop of honey when he last appeared before the Iraq Inquiry. It took several weeks for Sir Chilcot to finally realise that they had been played from the start by the £10,000 per word statesman.

Realising the scam, Chilcot ordered Blair back and personally removed his guitar, beehive and cow. During the removal of these items from Mr Blair's various wrinkly hiding places, Chilcot was heard to say "Don't tell me you need these for good luck - you won't fool me again!"

Following his evidence, members of the inquiry had only slightly lost the will to live rather than fallen asleep in compromising positions as they did at TB's last appearance.

David Cameron was forced to fire his Communications Bitch to get something more exciting on the TV. When Mr Blair was asked about his motivations for war, he subtly wrote "for a laugh" on a pad then mumbled for three hours before forgetting that he wasn't being paid and speeding up.

The Government's new head of Blair Libel - a local GP/millionaire - said:

"This just goes to show how much more exciting having David Cameron is for politics in this country. There's no chance of falling asleep when David's around - unless you want to get felt up and have your wallet stolen. David and George and that other one don't need to avoid questions by boring people to a taxpayer-funded nap - they have mastered the art of Tory Bullshit."

The inquiry continues.