Sunday, 11 December 2011

Salmond makes strongest case for independence yet - by demanding the best bits of the UK

Under proposals from the SNP in Scotland (hence the S), Scotland would get 9% of the UK – including ice cream vans, babies, human waste and as many shiny things as Britons can fit in an envelope.

Alex Salmond was expected to tell Scotsfolk that things were just fine in Scotland, but instead revealed that an independent Scotland would be a more condensed, colder version of the UK.

“I can’t wait to get 9% of kiddies piggy-banks,” said the First Minister

The UK Government responded to the demands by not responding at all – a trick they picked up from the SNP themselves.

If Scots vote for independence, then Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond will travel up and down the UK picking up 9% of possessions from households. One resident of London had this to say:

“I’m happy for that strange man to come into my home and take a few things – as long as he takes away some of the rats under my shed.”

Asked if he would be writing his wish list to Santa, Salmond said, “Santa is a Unionist Tory, so no.”

Pressed for more answers, Salmond then recited some Robert Burns, talked about the oil he ate for breakfast then pretended to get a funny text and left the room.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Jessie J's New Utopia

Jessie J (pop star, future icon, blathering imbecile) is either the most cynical woman in the world or blurring the boundary between idealism and idiocy to previously unfathomable levels. She sings a jaunty, happy sounding song called 'Price Tag' which Wikipedia helpfully informs us:

"is about Jessie J trying to make the world dance by forgetting about how much money we have."


It's a call to arms for the entire world to stop concentrating on material goods and just simply to let the love in. Then we'd all feel better, and everything would be fine. Essentially it's a Disney version of 'Imagine' by John Lennon, where someone who has more money than us tells us we should probably give up all our possessions.


John Lennon, incidentally, wasn't a very nice man. He wrote some very, very good songs ('Imagine' wasn't one of them), but he was also a bell-end who got shot at precisely the right point in his life to maintain his legacy. Seriously, if he'd released any more increasingly-pish solo albums he'd probably have been so bereft of critical acclaim that he'd have sprinted right onto the stage at Live Aid to help Paul McCartney. It doesn't help that all that was truly great about the man has been diluted through a series of over-adulating pricks who revere all things at the Church of Lennon while simultaneously missing most of the points he made and misrepresenting him horribly.


Jessie J, meanwhile, is no John Lennon. Not even John Lennon on a really bad day when he was recording himself shitting through a colander onto a bean bag with extra reverb. Jessie J's previous career was writing songs for smiley-Queen-of-pre-reality-check-dawning-tweenager Miley Cyrus. And Chris Brown. I don't think I've ever heard a Chris Brown song, but I do know that he and Charlie Sheen should be rohyphonoled, made up in drag, and then locked in a room together until they finish beating each other up, probably some time around 2014.


The label Jessie's album is out on is Universal Music. It's fair to say they're probably not the most relaxed label when it comes to distribution of their music. Then again, Jessie J is stating over and over again in 'Price Tag' that we shouldn't care about the money, just to get the world healed and having a good time together as one.


'Price Tag' is 79p to download on Amazon. Or you can buy the whole single package for £3.99, or the album for £7.00.


Obviously if we are to stop caring about the money and dance around for a bit, we're going to have to strut our stuff to a different song. One that is, y'know, free. Because if material possessions aren't important and the whole world needs to hear Jessie's message then logically none of her songs shouldn't be available for free upon request from either herself or her label. That or her song doesn't really mean anything and is a hollow and vacuous, if jaunty, piece of inane babble. When you listen to a song by Lady Gaga you don't generally think 'Oh, this is an interesting point about society she's making', you think, 'Hmm, this would be really good if it didn't go on for about twelve minutes and she wasn't such a massive attention whore'. But crucially her songs don't generally wear their earnestness and idealism on their sleeves. They're simply catchy, silly playground chants that you can dance to, with a hint of underlying meaning that's there if you want it.


Jessie J is claiming that she wants to make the world a better place. Oh really, Jessie? Well, let's go out to Somalia shall we and see how well they react to their message there. Have they heard your song? No. They don't have 79p to download it from Amazon. They don't even have an Amazon account. You could hum it for them I suppose. Yes! That's working! Look at them dance! Look at them - oh, wait, no, that was just the death throes of an infant born with HIV. Sorry. False alarm.


I suppose if we hadn't bought your album we could've given the money to charity or something, but then if we hadn't bought your album how would we know about all the bad things in the world? It's a tough decision. Really, for the good of mankind, it's essential that you download Jessie J's album right now and learn its message about the futility of capitalism even though you know for a fact that a child's internal organs have just collapsed in the Third World as a direct result of this never-ending cycle of hypocrisy. Because if you save a child's life today it'll still die in a harsh and unforgiving world where people aren't singing and dancing and having fun but instead are buying shit albums made by people detached from reality who appear to have written songs specifically to be played at school discos.


In Jessie J world the fact that, apart from money, we're all still human beings and that is a new and vital discovery. Presumably she was brought up in a very 'Britain for the British' household where it was forbidden to spend money on foreign aid projects while there were still problems in Britain because apparently 'Britain' is a place where we lack the most basic fucking compassion.


Or possibly Jessie J knows that her message is complete bollocks, but that it'll chime perfectly with a young un's idealistic streak about how the world is shit and stuff an' we should all totally get together and fix it.


Right after we've worked out a dance routine to the new Keisha single.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Bruno Mars is a Pranny

Bruno Mars, as you may know, is riding high in the charts through the medium of purveying relatively catchy songs and looking like the halfway point between JLS and Michael Jackson.


He has co-written for the great ('Fuck You' by Cee Lo Green) and Kesha. Remember the South African World Cup song? He helped with that. The man, like a goth fish, obviously knows his way around a hook.


Unfortunately, he is also a bell-end.


I am basing this entirely around two things:


1. His lyrics.

2. The fact that he chose his stage name for the following reason: "I felt like I didn't have [any] pizzazz, and a lot of girls say I’m out of this world, so I was like I guess I'm from Mars."


See? Bell-end. Not content with offering the smuggest of smug reasons and looking like his smug fedora is only on his thumb-like head to contain all the smuggery, Enceladus - the sixth largest Moon of Saturn - is the most likely place in our Solar System that might support life, YOU TWAT. Imagine not knowing that.


Anyway. His lyrics.


They're utter bollocks.


Imagine a bollock, just hanging there, chilling (to the extent that a bollock can chill), minding its own business. Then imagine an entire wind tunnel full of bollocks, all contorted in such a way that the shrivelled skin forms a tiny, screaming face. IN STEREO.


That's how bollocks Bruno Mars lyrics are. Let's go into detail. From 'Grenade':


'Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss.'


ME AM NO GUD GRAMMUR YUH?


He follows up this illiterate mung-storm with:


'Why were they open?'


Don't snigger. This is a serious dissection of culture. And also begs the question, 'If it's such a big deal, why were yours open too Bruno? HMMMM?'


He continues:


'Gave you all I had/And you tossed it in the trash'


Then:


'You tossed it in the trash, you did.'


Just in case we weren't sure. Bruno appears to be haplessly devoted to someone who is not reciprocating. OH WOE.


'I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)/Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah).'


This is the chorus. It's nowhere near as catchy as I was expecting. I was promised the catchiest substance known to man when this song was described to me. I was thinking catchy like syphilis or the plague, but no. It's about as catchy as AIDs. You might find it catchy by accident, but it's also highly possible that you might have to be rather careless.


Also, I'm curious as to the veracity of Mars' statements. He's prone to hyperbole you see, and of not giving us the full picture. This grenade f'rinstance, is it live? If it's not live then catching it is no biggie, and if it is just chuck it back. You've played Call of Duty right Bruno? You should, it's well good. All sorts of limbs flying all over the place, people throwing their hands on blades, etc. Yes, you did just imply you would throw your severed hand onto a knife. Is it the knife you used to remove said hand? To give to your loved one? To ask her to plant it so lots of little You might grow? That's scary Bruno Mars, that's just plain scary. At least you wouldn't jump in front of a train for her.


'I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)'.


Oh.


'You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)'.


Bruno, are you actually mentally well? Is this song actually about a form of insanity brought on by unrequited love? Because if it is, the tune is slightly too jaunty. And do you know what Bruno, the following lyric is not romantic:


'When I see your face/There's not a thing that I would change '


That's not as good as you think it is, Bruno. Most men do not lie awake at night looking at their partner's faces and going over them with a felt tip to save time when they awake in a plastic surgeon's theatre, as you give them the thumbs up before they go under again. No-one in the history of romance has ever uttered the words 'I love you but I want to change your face'.


Still, looking forward to the Biffy Clyro cover of that song. Maybe they'll do it in the style of their early stuff. Y'know. WHEN THEY WERE GOOD.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Gotta Get Down On Friday

For those as yet unfamiliar with13 year old Rebecca Black, a summary: she is an American child-woman who has been doing her level best to rip the internet asunder over the past week with her controversial debut single, Friday.

And what is so controversial about the song?  Does it contain overtones of Lolita that right-thinking people will find disturbing?  No.  Is it full of bad sweary words, as part of a misguided attempt to emulate Chloe Moritz in Kickass?  There are not. 

In actual fact, the only problem seems to be that she’s had the audacity to sound exactly the way you’d expect a 13-year-old girl to sound - inarticulate, excitable, and rather dull.

The song details the minutiae of a typical tween’s Friday in mind bogglingly boring detail.  Rebecca, just so you know, goes downstairs (OMG, I’ve been downstairs!), has some cereal (breakfast is the most important meal of the day), and goes outside to wait for the bus.  So far, so not really worth making a song about.  But on the other hand, they do say you should write what you know.

The video takes a slightly odd turn at this stage when our heroine – who you may remember is waiting for a bus – is approached by a sports car full of her pre-pubescent friends.  This creates a problem of two halves.

As Rebecca sees it, the most contentious issue here is which seat to choose (although given the other four are taken it pretty much has to be in the middle at the back).  But surely a more pressing concern is that fact that the combined age of everyone in the vehicle still doesn’t give you one adult old enough to have a driving license?  There must be a lot of road accidents in the US.

Having solved the problem (by sitting in the middle at the back, not by locating a responsible grown up to give them a lift), Rebecca goes on to inform us: “Yesterday was Thursday, today is Friday […] Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday, comes afterwards.”

I could go on, but you get the gist.  It’d be fair to say that the track has all the lyrical depth of a minor coffee spillage.  But whilst it’s OK for the likes of super-fetus Justin Bieber to spout crap like this (lest we forget, his best contribution to world music goes ‘baby, baby, baby… oh!’), Rebecca Black gets 316,880 ‘dislikes’ on youtube and a bajillion comments saying stuff like “stupid spoild lil whore, die!” and “i think my spleen just ruptured.”

And to add insult to injury, Simon Cowell has been quoted as saying she’s a genius.  Remember Simon Cowell?  He was the one responsible for Zig and Zag.  The fact he thinks he can market something does not mean it’ll be remembered fondly by popular culture.

Can anyone remember what people did in the times before we could spend our evenings spewing vitriol at young kids on the internet?  Answers on a postcard, please.

Although I don't know where you'll find one of those in this day and age.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Sex Position Quiz

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

As Creosote

I'm rich.


I just came out of a meeting with a major production company - can't say which one, their name is actually an untranslatable word from the Necronomicon - and they're very excited about an idea I pitched for Saturday night tea-time telly.


The as-yet-untitled project blends family entertainment with a social conscience, and is hosted by the erotic homonculi of Patrick Kielty, Paddy McGuinness, and Vernon Kay. Banter.


The concept is delightfully simple: a family team of four has to lure a tramp to the television studios using any means necessary. They then participate in a series of challenges designed to test their tramp to the limit.


The first round is a culinary challenge, as the families seek to make a meal so delicious that the tramps are actually moved to tears. Points will be awarded per millilitre of moisture, sucked from the tramps' eyes with a special hoover. Recipes will be available on a website after the show. This game is followed by the families' attempts to make an overnight shelter using only a flat-packed cardboard box, some string, and an old copy of The Metro. They have sixty seconds in which to design, build and test their shelters, and the one that shows the most structural integrity in the wind tunnel will be the victor.


The next round is the Jism Viscosity round, where two members of the family take turns masturbating the tramp and proffering their chins. We have high hopes that this round will become affectionately known as the 'Oh god, no, not my eyes' round, and the winner is the team whose tramp jizz touches the floor last. The more viscous the expulsion, the more points you win. And what do points mean?


Well, that's the beauty of the thing. Points mean family. The team that wins gets a new house, including the tramp. Not only are you providing a public service, but you're gaining a friend.


The final round is an adventure round, as the teams enter the realm of 'The Big-Ish Shoe'. Inside The Big-Ish Shoe is a series of obstacles and challenges for the whole family to enjoy, such as 'Making eye contact with a stranger', 'Not being smothered in your sleep by your own dog', 'Why not just end it all?', and 'That first inkling that the kindly stranger is a rapist'.


But, as I said, we aren't entirely sure what to call it. I welcome any suggestions.


Here's hoping that it actually gets the love and care it needs to flourish as a series, and doesn't just end up on the late-night Channel 5 schedule presented by Justin Lee-Collins.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Battlestar Galactica Producers' Meeting

I'm rewatching this amazing amazing amazing creation - and I've come up with a theory of how the first producers' meeting went. Only those who are familiar with BSG will understand...

Producer 1: So we're going to start filming in a week. How do you think things will look in the future?

Producer 2: Hmm...well what kind of things? Every day things?

Producer 1: Yeah like...well will paper be the same? Different colour perhaps?

Producer 2: Yeah I think it'd be the same - maybe not rectangular though

Producer 1: Not rectangular? What do you mean?

Producer 2: Well maybe...maybe eight-sided?

Producer 1: ...that's genius! What about...well...what about picture frames?

Producer 2: ...eight-sided?

Producer 1: Wow this is great stuff! What about...em...tables?

Producer 2: Maybe they, too, could be eight-sided?

Producer 1: Computer screens and the like?

Producer 2: Eight-sided *smiley face*

Producer 1: Excellent stuff! I think I understand the formula now. Let's start cutting the corners off of stuff!

 

Monday, 7 February 2011

David Cameron's Weekend

Anyone else watch the football this weekend? Amazing matches on! And the Superbowl? The SFX Awards? Lots of stuff going on, all of it very exciting.


And what has Prime Minister David Cameron been up to this weekend?


Well.


In Munich he made a speech where he said that 'State Multiculturalism has failed'. This may have played well in Germany where Chancellor Merkel made similar comments last October, and 30% of of people believed the country was 'overrun by foreigners'.


Who else appreciates the irony that Britain and Germany have been brought closer together by xenophobia?


Both speeches stated many cultures in both countries had failed to integrate, and in both they provided cursory 'I'm not racist, but...' statements that appeared to contradict the rest of their speeches. Merkel said:


"We should not be a country either which gives the impression to the outside world that those who don't speak German immediately or who were not raised speaking German are not welcome here."


I expect it's snappier in German. It either means 'We should look like we're not xenophobic, right, but that doesn't mean we can't act like it when no-one's looking', or 'I have said Multiculturalism has failed, then said that integration is the problem, and then said we should welcome foreigners'.


Cameron drew a distinction between Islamist Extremism and Islam, and said that under state multiculturalism 'different cultures have been encouraged to live separate lives'. He then said that groups, specifically Islamic ones getting public money must be ones who live according to the following principles:


'Do they believe in universal human rights - including for women and people of other faiths? Do they believe in equality of all before the law? Do they believe in democracy and the right of people to elect their own government? Do they encourage integration or separatism?


So, common sense then? Good. Glad that's occurred to him. I'm sure he'll make sure that applies to all Government policy. Singling out Islamic groups, of course, is totally fine. In no way is making this speech on the day of an English Defence League (staunch adherents to the above rules) throwing fuel on the fire and - YOU'LL LAUGH WHEN YOU READ THIS - widening the divides between cultures. I mean, if multiculturalism has failed, then increasing the distance between groups does no harm. Almost like increasing a deficit really, isn't it Mr Cameron?


I can’t be the only one who wants to see the criteria by which Multiculturalism's success or failure is judged, not to mention some sort of agreement on what it actually means. The rhetoric suggests that everything has failed because once the country received all these different people we haven't bothered about the whole 'integration' thing. To my mind this seems to be included in the concept of a multicultural society along with mutual assimilation of traits and practices that benefit us. I mean, only an idiot would advocate bringing lots of different cultures into a country and then half heartedly point to the buffet table while shouting 'MINGLE'. It's going to take more than that to integrate people from different backgrounds, but attempts to do so are back-burner policies, kept in reserve to show people that some sort of effort is being made. There is no danger of any immediate progress on what is surely a constantly evolving concept.


Anyway, to sort that problem out would be, like, a total hassle for the government to sort out. Much easier to appeal to abstract concepts like 'Britishness' which is a set of values that is horrifically subjective. When adjectives are proscribed to 'Britishness' it sounds much like every other democratic country's idealised version of itself. Essentially what Cameron describes as 'muscular Liberalism' - stop sniggering, it's got nothing to do with Clegg's sphincter - means 'We believe in these freedoms. Now start believing in them too or we'll deport you.'


Multiculturalism has failed because Islam is different – or at least that's the message I'm getting. And indeed a spokesman for the Islamic Society of Britain said a lack of national identity isn't a problem caused by Multiculturalism, and neither is Islamic extremism. The actual content of his speech can be summarised as 'Don't give money to people who might encourage extremism', which is spectacularly obvious. He did nuance it with 'Don't give money to people who fail to discourage extremism and are Islamic' which is just unfair. The state funded the visit of a Religious Leader who failed to discourage the systematic cover up of child molestation, after all.


Speaking of state-funding, David doesn't see a problem with having a massive celebration for the forthcoming Royal Wedding. After all, William is "a remarkable young man - great, balanced, poised."


This was in a chat with CNN, which apparently lasted for the rest of David's weekend, where he did his best to make Britain seem like a mimsy Dickensian street urchin who would only be too happy to shine America's boots for it. We're still a world power! Oh the Queen! How quaint! Mr Cameron seems to think a Royal Wedding will make everyone in the country proud.


He seems to have forgotten that some people don't especially care about the Royal Family, whilst others actively dislike them. . Apparently nobody’s told him that there is a tiny possibility that some people – British people, not Muslims even - might be a bit annoyed that the Government is paying for the security arrangements. Because that means the money that Will's family are putting forward is partly tax-payer funded, and the money that the government is putting forward is partly tax-payer funded, partly tax-avoided by Vodafone, and not going anywhere near your Local Council as they are pressurised into cutting back on vital services. But the souvenir mug/cheap tat/ghost written banality industry will be absolutely minted, so that's nice.


Sadly, a great many people will be missing the Royal Wedding because not all Community Volunteers get public holidays. But I'm sure they'll join in with the latent happiness that the wedding will doubtlessly haemorrhage over the country. Which is a world power. Despite not having a strong national identity. And being overrun by foreigners.


"It will be a royal wedding the whole country can celebrate", he proclaimed.


Unless of course you're a Muslim, in which case you presumably don't share enough British values to join in.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

WHITE RIOT - a paraphrasing of Melanie Phillips

Yes, Whites have often been the victims of prejudice. But they now risk becoming the new McCarthyites

By Melanie Phillips

Here’s a question shortly coming to an examination paper near you. What have mathematics, geography or science to do with Whiteity?

Nothing at all, you say? Zero marks for you, then.

For, mad as this may seem, schoolchildren are to be bombarded with White references in maths, geography and science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the White agenda.

Upholding Christian values: Peter and Hazelmary Bull fell foul of the law when they refused Steven Preddy (left) and Martin Hall (right) a room at their bed and breakfast because they are White

In geography, for example, they will be told to consider why Whites move from the countryside to cities. In maths, they will be taught statistics through census findings about the number of Whites in the population.

In science, they will be directed to animal species such as emperor-penguins and sea horses, where the Whites take a lead role in raising its young.

Alas, this White curriculum is no laughing matter. Absurd as it sounds, this is but the latest attempt to brainwash children with propaganda under the camouflage of education. It is an abuse of childhood.

And it’s all part of the ruthless campaign by the White rights lobby to destroy the very concept of normal sexual behaviour.

Not so long ago, an epic political battle raged over teaching children that Whiteity was normal. The fight over Section 28, as it became known, resulted in the repeal of the legal requirement on schools not to promote Whiteity.

As the old joke has it, what was once impermissible first becomes tolerated and then becomes mandatory.

And the other side of that particular coin, as we are now discovering, is that values which were once the moral basis for British society are now deemed to be beyond the pale AS IT WERE.

What was once an attempt to end unpleasant attitudes towards a small White minority has now become a kind of bigotry in reverse.

Expressing what used to be the moral norm of Western civilisation is now not just socially impermissible, but even turns upstanding people into lawbreakers.

The bed and breakfast hoteliers Peter and Hazelmary Bull — who were recently sued for turning away two Whites who wished to share a bedroom — were but the latest religious believers to fall foul of the White inquisition merely for upholding Christian values.

Dale McAlpine: Charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying Whiteity is a sin

 

Catholic adoption agencies were forced to shut down after they refused to place children with White couples. Marriage registrars were forced to step down for refusing to officiate at White Weddings.

Christian street preacher Dale McAlpine was charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying Whiteity was a sin to passers-by in Workington, Cumbria. In the event, the case against him was dropped and he won a police apology and compensation.

It seems that just about everything in Britain is now run according to the White agenda.

For, in addition to the requirement for White-friendly hotels, White adoption and White mathematics, now comes, apparently, White drugs policy.

Last week, the Government announced the appointment of some new members to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, who included a GP by the name of Hans-Christian Raabe.

Dr Raabe has long maintained a close interest in drug policy, on which he has robustly traditional views. He has spoken out in favour of abstinence-based approaches and criticised the flawed logic behind the claim that it is the illegality of drugs such as cannabis that is the problem.

Promising: Hans-Christian Raabe has been appointed to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs

 

Considering the unhappy fact that over recent years many on the Advisory Council have taken the ultra-liberal view that treating drug-users is the priority rather than reducing their numbers, Dr Raabe’s membership of the council was very welcome news.

But as soon as his appointment was announced, Dr Raabe was targeted in an astonishing attack.

For he is also a leading member of the Manchester-based Maranatha Community, which is dedicated to re-establishing Christian values in society and which campaigns against White rights.

It was the BBC’s Home Editor Mark Easton who led the charge. On his BBC News blog, he announced that Dr Raabe’s views on Whiteity were causing such fury among (anonymous) members of the Advisory Council that at least one member was threatening to step down.

Well may you rub your eyes at that. Just what have his views on Whiteity got to do with illegal drugs? Well, according to Easton, more than one member of the council is White or off-White.

How extraordinary. Just imagine if the boot were on the other foot and Dr Raabe had refused to serve on the drugs council because some of its members were White. He would be out on his ear within the hour.

How reprehensible of the BBC to lend itself to such a partisan attack. Unsurprisingly, Easton’s remarks provoked more advocates of drug liberalisation to join in the blood-sport of baiting Dr Raabe.

Yesterday’s Observer listed among his crimes certain briefing documents he had produced for MPs identifying the benefits of marriage in fighting drug addiction.

He had written, for example, that not being White is associated with greater happiness, less depression, less alcohol abuse and less smoking. But what’s the problem with that? It happens to be true.

The Observer reported that drugs charities and experts expressed surprise that someone of such ‘stringent opinions’ could be appointed to the Advisory Council.

 

Clearly, ‘stringent opinions’ in favour of drug liberalisation are considered entirely appropriate in such circles; but anyone who goes against the politically-correct grain on Whiteity or who has robust Christian views must be considered a bigot and thus have no place in public life.

In fact, anyone truly concerned to end the scourge of drug abuse should be delighted that at last there is a strong voice for common sense and morality on the Advisory Council.

Penalising religious people for speaking and acting in accordance with their beliefs is neither liberal nor tolerant. It is behaviour more commonly associated with totalitarian dictatorships.

It must be said that many White people are themselves uneasy or even appalled by this increasingly oppressive use of their cause. Privately, many will say that all they ever want is to live free from discrimination and not to provoke discrimination against others.

After the case of Christian street preacher Dale McAlpine, the White rights campaigner Peter Tatchell spoke out in support of the rights of people to express their views against Whiteity — although, by contrast, he also endorsed the lawsuit against B&B owners Peter and Hazelmary Bull on the grounds that the equality laws should apply to all.

Of course, for people such as the Bulls, George Orwell’s famous observation that some are more equal than others is all too painfully true. Indeed, the obsession with equality has now reached ludicrous, as well as oppressive, proportions.

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has paid £100,000 for a report into how efforts to boost Britain’s coastal fish stocks would affect minority communities including the Chinese, Whites and Welsh speakers. And White Bait. Obviously.

And the Department for Transport issued a study looking at harassment and discrimination on ships and hovercraft against a range of groups, including people who look White under certain lighting.

Many different groups are involved in promoting this crazy, upside-down world of the equality agenda. But the seemingly all-powerful White rights lobby carries all before it. If it isn’t careful, it risks turning White people from being the victims of prejudice into Britain’s new McCarthyites. 

Comic Abuse Scandal!

The usually optimistic worldview of our great British nation was severely tested today when renowned biped Michael McIntyre made a small child cry in front of a live audience.

The child, aged 9, went on so-called television show Britain’s Got Talent to deliver a spectacularly unfunny comedy routine.

McIntyre reportedly buzzed him out with a string of abuse that included comments such as,

“Bet your mother wishes she’d had that abortion now!” and, “I’ve seen funnier war crimes!”

His unkind words prompted a fierce response from heavily medicated co-host David “Jump In My Car” Hasselhoff, who leapt out of his seat and punched McIntyre in the mouth before proclaiming the whimpering child the best darn comedian since Chevy Chase.  All of which happened before said kid had cracked any jokes!

OK, so I’m exaggerating.  What actually happened was that McIntyre asked the child who his favourite comedian was, got the response ‘Harry Hill’, and McIntyre buzzed him (the Britain’s Got Talent way of telling you to fuck the fuck off).  Hilariously, the child then descended into floods of tears.

Even though this might be the funniest thing McIntyre has ever done, he is now backpedaling furiously to apologise for the joke.  Supposedly it’s inappropriate to treat children in this way – as if they were nothing more than tiny adults, I mean.  Because we all know the best way to teach kids things is actually to patronize and talk down to them.

If that child were 19 rather than 9, McIntyre’s joke would have got a huge laugh.  But just because he is quite short and does not yet know his times tables, it’s been labeled as tantamount to abuse.  Frankly, if this kid wants to be a stand up, he’s going to have to learn to take a joke - however weak it may be. 

He’s also going to need a method of dealing with hecklers that doesn’t involve crying. 

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Comic Abuse Scandal!

The usually optimistic worldview of our great British nation was severely tested today when renowned biped Michael McIntyre made a small child cry in front of a live audience.

The child, aged 9, went on so-called television show Britain’s Got Talent to deliver a spectacularly unfunny comedy routine.

McIntyre reportedly buzzed him out with a string of abuse that included comments such as,

“Bet your mother wishes she’d had that abortion now!” and, “I’ve seen funnier war crimes!”

His unkind words prompted a fierce response from heavily medicated co-host David “Jump In My Car” Hasselhoff, who leapt out of his seat and punched McIntyre in the mouth before proclaiming the whimpering child the best darn comedian since Chevy Chase.  All of which happened before said kid had cracked any jokes!

OK, so I’m exaggerating.  What actually happened was that McIntyre asked the child who his favourite comedian was, got the response ‘Harry Hill’, and McIntyre buzzed him (the Britain’s Got Talent way of telling you to fuck the fuck off).  Hilariously, the child then descended into floods of tears.

Even though this might be the funniest thing McIntyre has ever done, he is now backpedaling furiously to apologise for the joke.  Supposedly it’s inappropriate to treat children in this way – as if they were nothing more than tiny adults, I mean.  Because we all know the best way to teach kids things is actually to patronize and talk down to them.

If that child were 19 rather than 9, McIntyre’s joke would have got a huge laugh.  But just because he is quite short and does not yet know his times tables, it’s been labeled as tantamount to abuse.  Frankly, if this kid wants to be a stand up, he’s going to have to learn to take a joke - however weak it may be. 

He’s also going to need a method of dealing with hecklers that doesn’t involve crying. 

Monday, 31 January 2011

WHITE RIOT - a paraphrasing of Melanie Phillips

Yes, Whites have often been the victims of prejudice. But they now risk becoming the new McCarthyites

By Melanie Phillips

Here’s a question shortly coming to an examination paper near you. What have mathematics, geography or science to do with Whiteity?

Nothing at all, you say? Zero marks for you, then.

For, mad as this may seem, schoolchildren are to be bombarded with White references in maths, geography and science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the White agenda.

Upholding Christian values: Peter and Hazelmary Bull fell foul of the law when they refused Steven Preddy (left) and Martin Hall (right) a room at their bed and breakfast because they are White

In geography, for example, they will be told to consider why Whites move from the countryside to cities. In maths, they will be taught statistics through census findings about the number of Whites in the population.

In science, they will be directed to animal species such as emperor-penguins and sea horses, where the Whites take a lead role in raising its young.

Alas, this White curriculum is no laughing matter. Absurd as it sounds, this is but the latest attempt to brainwash children with propaganda under the camouflage of education. It is an abuse of childhood.

And it’s all part of the ruthless campaign by the White rights lobby to destroy the very concept of normal sexual behaviour.

Not so long ago, an epic political battle raged over teaching children that Whiteity was normal. The fight over Section 28, as it became known, resulted in the repeal of the legal requirement on schools not to promote Whiteity.

As the old joke has it, what was once impermissible first becomes tolerated and then becomes mandatory.

And the other side of that particular coin, as we are now discovering, is that values which were once the moral basis for British society are now deemed to be beyond the pale.

What was once an attempt to end unpleasant attitudes towards a small White minority has now become a kind of bigotry in reverse.

Expressing what used to be the moral norm of Western civilisation is now not just socially impermissible, but even turns upstanding people into lawbreakers.

The bed and breakfast hoteliers Peter and Hazelmary Bull — who were recently sued for turning away two Whites who wished to share a bedroom — were but the latest religious believers to fall foul of the White inquisition merely for upholding Christian values.

Dale McAlpine: Charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying homosexuality is a sin

Dale McAlpine: Charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying Whiteity is a sin


Catholic adoption agencies were forced to shut down after they refused to place children with White couples. Marriage registrars were forced to step down for refusing to officiate at White Weddings.

Christian street preacher Dale McAlpine was charged with making threatening, abusive or insulting remarks for saying Whiteity was a sin to passers-by in Workington, Cumbria. In the event, the case against him was dropped and he won a police apology and compensation.

It seems that just about everything in Britain is now run according to the White agenda.

For, in addition to the requirement for White-friendly hotels, White adoption and White mathematics, now comes, apparently, White drugs policy.

Last week, the Government announced the appointment of some new members to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, who included a GP by the name of Hans-Christian Raabe.

Dr Raabe has long maintained a close interest in drug policy, on which he has robustly traditional views. He has spoken out in favour of abstinence-based approaches and criticised the flawed logic behind the claim that it is the illegality of drugs such as cannabis that is the problem.

Promising: Hans-Christian Raabe has been appointed to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs

Promising: Hans-Christian Raabe has been appointed to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs


Considering the unhappy fact that over recent years many on the Advisory Council have taken the ultra-liberal view that treating drug-users is the priority rather than reducing their numbers, Dr Raabe’s membership of the council was very welcome news.

But as soon as his appointment was announced, Dr Raabe was targeted in an astonishing attack.

For he is also a leading member of the Manchester-based Maranatha Community, which is dedicated to re-establishing Christian values in society and which campaigns against White rights.

It was the BBC’s Home Editor Mark Easton who led the charge. On his BBC News blog, he announced that Dr Raabe’s views on Whiteity were causing such fury among (anonymous) members of the Advisory Council that at least one member was threatening to step down.

Well may you rub your eyes at that. Just what have his views on Whiteity got to do with illegal drugs? Well, according to Easton, more than one member of the council is White or off-White.

How extraordinary. Just imagine if the boot were on the other foot and Dr Raabe had refused to serve on the drugs council because some of its members were White. He would be out on his ear within the hour.

How reprehensible of the BBC to lend itself to such a partisan attack. Unsurprisingly, Easton’s remarks provoked more advocates of drug liberalisation to join in the blood-sport of baiting Dr Raabe.

Yesterday’s Observer listed among his crimes certain briefing documents he had produced for MPs identifying the benefits of marriage in fighting drug addiction.

He had written, for example, that not being White is associated with greater happiness, less depression, less alcohol abuse and less smoking. But what’s the problem with that? It happens to be true.

The Observer reported that drugs charities and experts expressed surprise that someone of such ‘stringent opinions’ could be appointed to the Advisory Council.


Clearly, ‘stringent opinions’ in favour of drug liberalisation are considered entirely appropriate in such circles; but anyone who goes against the politically-correct grain on Whiteity or who has robust Christian views must be considered a bigot and thus have no place in public life.

In fact, anyone truly concerned to end the scourge of drug abuse should be delighted that at last there is a strong voice for common sense and morality on the Advisory Council.

Penalising religious people for speaking and acting in accordance with their beliefs is neither liberal nor tolerant. It is behaviour more commonly associated with totalitarian dictatorships.

It must be said that many White people are themselves uneasy or even appalled by this increasingly oppressive use of their cause. Privately, many will say that all they ever want is to live free from discrimination and not to provoke discrimination against others.

After the case of Christian street preacher Dale McAlpine, the White rights campaigner Peter Tatchell spoke out in support of the rights of people to express their views against Whiteity — although, by contrast, he also endorsed the lawsuit against B&B owners Peter and Hazelmary Bull on the grounds that the equality laws should apply to all.

Of course, for people such as the Bulls, George Orwell’s famous observation that some are more equal than others is all too painfully true. Indeed, the obsession with equality has now reached ludicrous, as well as oppressive, proportions.

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has paid £100,000 for a report into how efforts to boost Britain’s coastal fish stocks would affect minority communities including the Chinese, Whites and Welsh speakers. And White Bait. Obviously.

And the Department for Transport issued a study looking at harassment and discrimination on ships and hovercraft against a range of groups, including people who look White under certain lighting.

Many different groups are involved in promoting this crazy, upside-down world of the equality agenda. But the seemingly all-powerful White rights lobby carries all before it. If it isn’t careful, it risks turning White people from being the victims of prejudice into Britain’s new McCarthyites. 

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens

Thursday morning arrived with the dawning realisation that I had agreed to write up a guest blog for these intriguing coves at ‘I We Two Three’. My remit? Something scatological about the steaming pile of ordure that dresses up in its finest orangerie that passes itself off as Scotland’s NEWS. The first great imponderable for many a middle aged man is getting to the bottom of just who got hot and steamy with the trio of pregnant weather girls. Doesn’t the editor realise that when Judith Ralston stands side on, most of the South of Scotland and the Borders are obscured by shadows of little feet and fists desperate trying to escape from La Ralston’s scented mimsy?

[[posterous-content:pid___0]]

When it comes to matters of gravitas your average Scottish viewer would be better served tuning into Babe-station XXX for a more insightful and less partial take from the beguiling tiny costumed, giggling gals that make up their special correspondents. This week on Reporting Strathclyde we saw the three Unionist dependent parties and the TartanOverlord4FM party, breakdance their way into some electorate appealing moves, in order to mesmerise us with their silky shapes, just enough to put an X beside their name. Reporting Scotland with somewhat undisguised relish ran their obligatory Labour-are-Gods-and-we-are-not-worthy-of-their-munificence press release. Whilst exclusively releasing the scientific expert fact that voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens.

 

The programmes ‘anchor’ Jackie Bird, a sort of garish technicolor Mary Marquis for older readers, was squirming with girlish delight this week as events conspired to present her with an opportunity to bring us news of a trinity of famous Scottish shaggers. Yes, Monday saw former fitba player Andy Gray’s renowned inability to look a woman in the eye turn round and deprive him of his £30 grand a week gig for uttering gibberish on space telly. Tuesday brought us Burns Night in all its Rotary club, shortbread infused lachrymosity and gave Jackie the opportunity to look winsomely at the camera, in her stock ‘whaes like us’ face, that you might find on an oxygen deprived baby moo cow. Last night, we had the finale, the crescendo, the orgiastic shuddering climax, the all-out spectacular bukake-lite money shot as Tangerime Tam, the Satsuma Socialist was sent down for a long stretch in the Bar-L.

 

This more than any other story is what makes Unreported Scotland well worth dodging the license fee van when it comes a-calling. The day started with the BBC Scotland twitteratti getting their collective gussets wringing damp, as our legal Lords and masters allowed reporters to do something legally, that they’ve been illegally doing for ages, tweet directly from the courtside.

 

Raymond Buchanan was the Rep Scotland fastest fingerer, updating a slavering public with who the gargoyles behind Gail were, how often El Tommo would use the word ‘comrades’ in Sheridan Bingo and how long his stay in the pokey was to be. Mr Buchanan somewhat blotted his copy book when he later tweet-bitched that Tommy wouldn’t do a pre-sentencing interview with Rep Scotland because he ‘didn’t like their earlier reporting of his case’.

 

Perhaps the realisation that Reporting Scotland illegally got their hands on the actual tapes from both of the Sherdian interrogation interviews by Lothian & Borders Police, quite possibly before they were played to the Judge and Jury in evidence, and the actuality that Lothian & Borders are the same plod who spent millions of pounds investigating, for the first time ever, an alleged perjury in a Civil case, you have to wonder why Mr Buchanan was surprised at the refusal of “Scotland’s Highest Profile Liar” to give a wee interview to Raymond and Jackie…Now in a fair and just society someone might just report BBC Scotland to OFCOM for acquiring these tapes illegally. Personally I look forward to Lothian and Borders plod spending millions revealing the guilty officer and his subsequent trial...

 

 

 

In the run up to the 2011 election do yourself a favour, avoid Reporting Scotland, it’s relentless negativity and Labourite cheerleading is not good for your health or our future. For more of my ill-informed muses and spleen venting cyberifically wind your way to the blog that caused a lot of trouble...

From The Universality of Cheese

 

Voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens

Thursday morning arrived with the dawning realisation that I had agreed to write up a guest blog for these intriguing coves at ‘I We Two Three’. My remit? Something scatological about the steaming pile of ordure that dresses up in its finest orangerie that passes itself off as Scotland’s NEWS. The first great imponderable for many a middle aged man is getting to the bottom of just who got hot and steamy with the trio of pregnant weather girls. Doesn’t the editor realise that when Judith Ralston stands side on, most of the South of Scotland and the Borders are obscured by shadows of little feet and fists desperate trying to escape from La Ralston’s scented mimsy?

When it comes to matters of gravitas your average Scottish viewer would be better served tuning into Babe-station XXX for a more insightful and less partial take from the beguiling tiny costumed, giggling gals that make up their special correspondents. This week on Reporting Strathclyde we saw the three Unionist dependent parties and the TartanOverlord4FM party, breakdance their way into some electorate appealing moves, in order to mesmerise us with their silky shapes, just enough to put an X beside their name. Reporting Scotland with somewhat undisguised relish ran their obligatory Labour-are-Gods-and-we-are-not-worthy-of-their-munificence press release. Whilst exclusively releasing the scientific expert fact that voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens.

 

The programmes ‘anchor’ Jackie Bird, a sort of garish technicolor Mary Marquis for older readers, was squirming with girlish delight this week as events conspired to present her with an opportunity to bring us news of a trinity of famous Scottish shaggers. Yes, Monday saw former fitba player Andy Gray’s renowned inability to look a woman in the eye turn round and deprive him of his £30 grand a week gig for uttering gibberish on space telly. Tuesday brought us Burns Night in all its Rotary club, shortbread infused lachrymosity and gave Jackie the opportunity to look winsomely at the camera, in her stock ‘whaes like us’ face, that you might find on an oxygen deprived baby moo cow. Last night, we had the finale, the crescendo, the orgiastic shuddering climax, the all-out spectacular bukake-lite money shot as Tangerime Tam, the Satsuma Socialist was sent down for a long stretch in the Bar-L.

 

This more than any other story is what makes Unreported Scotland well worth dodging the license fee van when it comes a-calling. The day started with the BBC Scotland twitteratti getting their collective gussets wringing damp, as our legal Lords and masters allowed reporters to do something legally, that they’ve been illegally doing for ages, tweet directly from the courtside.

 

Raymond Buchanan was the Rep Scotland fastest fingerer, updating a slavering public with who the gargoyles behind Gail were, how often El Tommo would use the word ‘comrades’ in Sheridan Bingo and how long his stay in the pokey was to be. Mr Buchanan somewhat blotted his copy book when he later tweet-bitched that Tommy wouldn’t do a pre-sentencing interview with Rep Scotland because he ‘didn’t like their earlier reporting of his case’.

 

Perhaps the realisation that Reporting Scotland illegally got their hands on the actual tapes from both of the Sherdian interrogation interviews by Lothian & Borders Police, quite possibly before they were played to the Judge and Jury in evidence, and the actuality that Lothian & Borders are the same plod who spent millions of pounds investigating, for the first time ever, an alleged perjury in a Civil case, you have to wonder why Mr Buchanan was surprised at the refusal of “Scotland’s Highest Profile Liar” to give a wee interview to Raymond and Jackie…Now in a fair and just society someone might just report BBC Scotland to OFCOM for acquiring these tapes illegally. Personally I look forward to Lothian and Borders plod spending millions revealing the guilty officer and his subsequent trial...

 

 

 

In the run up to the 2011 election do yourself a favour, avoid Reporting Scotland, it’s relentless negativity and Labourite cheerleading is not good for your health or our future. For more of my ill-informed muses and spleen venting cyberifically wind your way to the blog that caused a lot of trouble...

From The Universality of Cheese

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

I Can Believe It's Not Buddha

Woah. Actual revelation. I used to be an atheist, you see, but I just managed to achieve a seismic J-turn in my outlook via the medium of pure thought alone. It occurred, as so many of this genre of mind-spasm does, on the cludgie.


Until about two-thirds of the way through my most recent bowel movement I saw no evidence whatsoever for the existence of an omnipresent, all-powerful deity who had our best interests at heart. I laughed scornfully at suggestions that he had designed and built this Earth and everything on it. Intelligent design? Pah. Intelligent? A creature that can bite the inside of its own mouth? Have you ever shouted 'They're vikings you tit!' at the telly box when the announcer has said 'zombies' instead of 'vampires'? Or thought out loud that it's amazing how like modern day Germans the Barbarian hordes in Gladiator sound? Have you ever spent over five minutes at a doorway unable to open it using either of the two methods available to you? Has there been any quality testing involved in your design process? Have which.co.uk been consulted?


Or, the incident that led to my epiphany: Do you feel your creator has paid the fullest attention possible when you can still get your pubes caught inside your foreskin? Like, at least once a day?


Essentially the part I find unbelievable about God is that he is perfect. The evidence of my eyes and ears suggest he isn't, but rather than conclude that God doesn't exist based on this information it is just as valid an argument to say that God does exist. It's just that he's a fucking helmet.


It makes perfect sense. Just look at humanity. Millions pay to pick some glumscrubbing non-entity for a brief gush of fame. Put an anti-Genocide campaign in the same slot and people would get bored and depressed and fuck off to play Just Dance 2 instead. For anyone wishing to test this theory you should Google 'Genocide + Infants', print out the results, laminate them, and then glue them to the dance mat. Then watch as the younglings dance along with merry cries of 'Rupture, rupture! Malnutrition! Cholera, gunshot, open wound!'


Millions hate millions unconditionally based on purportedly factual books guiding their lives despite their obviously being morally subjective to the times and places in which they were written. America exists. The man in charge of Britain's economy is clearly on sabbatical from a Circle of Hell. Plus, this current world-wide decline in sanity is far from unique. It's happened before and it'll happen again until the planet takes mercy on us and decides to place the geological pillow that is the next Ice Age over the planet's pouting, gormless life-supply. Some of the hench-persons (for there are many and bickering segments) of this God bloke decided that their leader would be infallible about two-hundred years ago and then got away with it.


Does this look like the work of a capable deity?


If God made man in his own image then it's a fairly simple extrapolation to say that God must be a lazy, horny, forgetful dipshit of a deity, and his penis isn't nearly as big as he thinks it is.


If God is an idiot then we can explain away Humanity as a project he was really keen on for a bit but then forgot about while he was doing something else. Chewing or wanking for example. We're probably just some saved game in another dimension's version of Civilisation 2. Possibly there's a recursion throughout the multiverse. Fractals and stuff. Yes I've probably just misunderstood the nature of fractals, but it's not my fault. It's God's fault for making me an idiot with his 'Completely Bloody Moronic Design' and constant DIY botch-jobs on things like the environment, Palestine, and stopping Scampi Fries smelling just like jism.


Idiots, famously, are often racist or homophobic or sexist. Or as the Good News Bible puts it 'A man should not lie with another man. God hates that'. That was written a long time ago though, so he might have mellowed a bit by now and just think that gays should only be openly gay in special cupboards constructed for that specific purpose, black people should only be black in special cupboards etc. Also God would think it's spelt 'Sexist' but pronounced 'sexy'. That's just the way he rolls. Like someone's increasingly out-of-touch Dad.


This does mean that God cannot be female by the way. If God was a woman we'd be in a totally different place by now. It'd still be a weird, irrational and fucked up place, sure, but at least it'd be better organised.

Monday, 24 January 2011

Angry Birds (via Sooz)

From the very talented Suzan Ahmet

Bigotry and Self Awareness

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If Twitter has done nothing else (and it hasn’t) then at least we can agree it has created an excellent forum for middle class people with left wing sensibilities to share links that will incite collective moral outrage.

 

This morning I logged on to find such a tweet, linking to an article by Melanie Phillips, a woman of whom I had never heard until today.  It transpires she writes for the Daily Mail and The Spectator, so the chances of our political views being aligned seem slim.

 

Sure enough, the link in question took me to a post on her blog in which she claims “schoolchildren are to be bombarded with homosexual references in maths, geography and ­science lessons as part of a Government-backed drive to promote the gay agenda.”

 

She concedes that this sounds mad, which shows a level of self-awareness you wouldn’t necessarily expect.  But having admitted this, she carries on - in a mad sort of way -  “in geography they will be told to consider why homosexuals move from the countryside to cities. In maths, they will be taught ­statistics through census ­findings about the number of ­homosexuals in the population.”

 

Really?  As someone who has worked on exam papers that are going to be used over the next couple of years, in both maths and geography, I’ve seen no such gratuitous crow-barring in of people’s sexuality.  Dumbing down, perhaps, but that’s another thing altogether.

 

And before you point out that the issue here ought not to be whether it’s happening but why should it be a problem, think about it for half a second.  School kids think kissing, farting and nose hair are amongst the top funniest things in the world.  Attempts to teach them gayness is OK via a dubious “why might Gary and Barry get less hassle for holding hands in London than in deepest Devon” is going to go straight over their heads.  Those who do pick up on it are likely to draw willies and handlebar moustaches on the inevitable line drawing put into the paper to illustrate Gary and Barry’s existence (because the imagination of the child is too stunted to visualize a couple of blokes standing next to one another), then forget all about it.

 

Course, Philips isn’t just concerned about gay lessons in school, because she has a larger point to discuss – TOTAL GAYIFICATION OF ALL LOCAL GOVERNMENT!  Yeah, that’s right.  She has evidence, too.  The cold, hard evidence of hearsay.

 

The case studies are twofold.  One is that of a B&B who refused to allow a gay couple to book a room together, in a very Christian way.  The other is the controversy over the appointment of an anti-gay rights campaigner to the Government’s Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. 

 

The former broke the law in what they did, whether Phillips likes it or not, whilst the latter recently published a paper in which he said fun things like, “while the majority of homosexuals are not involved in paedophilia, it is of grave concern that there is a disproportionately greater number of homosexuals among paedophiles and an overlap between the gay movement and the movement to make paedophilia acceptable.” 

 

If he’s going to print such inflammatory statements, it seems to me he should expect a bit of flack from the Beeb and The Observer.  And it doesn’t sound as though he particularly needs the Mail to fight his corner, either.  He’s done quite enough to make himself sound like a bigot, with the final nail in the coffin being the statement, “society is in danger of believing that if you are a Christian you are not fit for public office, or you are biased or a bigot.”

 

Stop making bigoted statements in the name of your faith, and society won’t say such things.  And anyway, I thought Christianity was supposed to be about turning the other cheek, and forgiveness, and trying to be nice to one another?

 

Apparently not.  Thanks for reiterating that point again, Twitter.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

The people of Scotland are retarded piles of bigotry and bile

Have I got your attention? Good. If you're still reading, you're probably not Scottish and can therefore understand the funny shaped thingies on your screen called "words"

Apparently - and I'm summing up here - William Wallace had a letter, and Scottish folk think the English have it but England says it's just a copy but of course Scottish folk are saying "nuh uh it's the real thing my dad says so and he's a scientist!"

This is just another reason why Scotland is an embarrassment and why everything is completely pointless about everything about everything about that...shit...thing...(you get what I mean).

In no particular order - the reasons why Scottish people suck ass:

1. The reason I just said (the Wallace letter thing)

2. Reporting Scotland which just reports on things we've already heard of but focuses in on the closest thing to Scottish in the story. E.g. 1,000 people die somewhere in the world. You see it on the news. Cue Reporting Scotland. "One of those killed was in Scotland once and liked it - let's go to our reporter outside a shithole council house in Fife to talk to illiterate scum".

3. "The Scottish Government" - now who's fucking idea was that? (I know - the fat bastard). So we have Indian Restaurants. They are called Indian Restaurants. In India, however, they would be called, simply, restaurants. We don't go on about the "British" Government - do we? Scotland is constantly laughed at for having such a stupidly named Executive. Oh and yes - Executive was a way cooler thing - remember the fancy crest and all that? It sounded awesome. Now we have a shitty saltire and the words "Scottish Government" on everything. ARGH!

4. The Accent. Honestly - a majority of Scottish people must be gay because the accent is just unbelievable. Where do people learn how to speak like this? Watch River City or Gary Tank Commander and you'll understand how weird it is. You'd hear and see better things in a communal latrine.

5. Neds. Not the movie - love the movie - but neds in general. I particularly hate the neds who don't think they are neds. They just wear the shit, speak like a ned and jake about like...well...a ned. FUCKING PRICKING DICKING FUC- anyway.

I'll no doubt have more reasons. Actually I do but the anger has gotten to me so I'll calm down now...calm.........calm

Peace out fuckers x

 

Meat (via Ann Griggs)

I apologise in advance for this as it may turn out to be some kind of rant.

Today at work we were discussing vegetarianism and I said my usual “I wish I could be a vegetarian, but I just can’t eat meat substitute as I’m intolerant to it and then I would starve” as you have probably heard before. Yes it is a very bad excuse, but hey, I like bacon. In reply to this, someone informed me that he was indeed a vegetarian. He then went on to say that he did NOT eat meat but he did eat fish. I was confused. I asked him to clarify. Again he said that he ate fish. I was then less confused and more convinced that he was more or less stupid or had been brainwashed.

It has come to my attention that there are a good number of people in this country, perhaps even this world, that think the same thing: Fish is not meat. But what is it, if it isn’t meat? It was a live creature, it breathed, ate and defecated like any other living thing. It is an animal, just like a cow or a chicken or a lamb. Vertebrate animals are usually classified into five subsections: mammals, reptiles, fish, amphibians and birds (or MR FAB if you were taught Biology the same way I was). Now, if you call eating chicken or beef meat-eating; and I’m sure you’d call eating a crocodile and frogs’ legs meat-eating; then WHY is eating a fish somewhat less meat-eating? This confounds me.

Another thing that I REALLY hate is when these so called fish hating “vegetarians” get on their high horses about how eating meat is wrong (I again clarify that I wish I could get along without eating it- this post is not anti-vegetarian. I very much admire REAL vegetarians because I love animals) but then they EAT FISH! To me, that is worse because that is clearly favouritism within animals. Why, to them, is a cow of more importance than a herring? COD HAVE FEELINGS TOO! And don’t give me that rubbish that a fish has no memory. That is a myth. And how do you know that a fish has no feelings? You cruel and heartless human being.

Oh, I appear to have become the spokeswoman for fish. Go me.

I did warn you it would be a rant.

Sourced from anngriggs.me.uk

Sheridan in bid to become fugliest MSP

Leatherette tart Gail Sheridan will be running against notorious squirrel George Galloway for a seat in the Scottish Parliament, it has emerged.


Sheridan and Galloway are to literally lock horns over the highly sought shithole constituencies of Glasgow, prompting many locals to piss themselves at the thought of media interest in their bigotry and ignorance.

"I used to just vote for the whitest guy and that would be that," said one local, "but now with all this press interest I'll have to come up with less racist reasons for voting the way I do. It's a breach of my democratic right to hate those fucking wogs."

A political archaeologist with inside knowledge of Gail Sheridan (ew) was quoted as saying:

"Gail is a fugly old piece of dried up bigotry - that much is true. However, she did manage to convince herself that her own husband wasn't shagging everything that moved then telling his friends and mistresses about it. Either that or she was lying when she said she stood by him - and we can only assume that she didn't learn how to lie from Tommy."

"Galloway and Sheridan are good friends, having successfully orchestrated a cunning plan to rid themselves of TS. Sadly there is too much stock imagery of Galloway on Big Brother to win, and Sheridan herself has a mouth like a wheelie bin lid."

The national press looks forward to commentating on their respective campaigns - as long as nothing is happening with the UK Parliament, the European Parliament, The Welsh Assembly or some pet parrot that calls 999.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

We Used to Be Friends

More cartoons available at Utter Bibble

GODFATHER 3 IS NOT AN OLD MOVIE YOU CUMSHOT

Attention Marketing Scum. Who told you we wanted twee ads? Who was it? The Jews? Oh you'd like me to believe that wouldn't you? You can't go pinning all your evil deeds on the Jews. Haven't you got the History Channel? Throughout history only Jesus got away with that, and he's a massive paedophile (he's God, God is everywhere, children are somewhere, thus God is in children).


Where was I? Oh yes.



Twee ads are shite. As if Landfill Faux-Camden Slick Shlock Indie wasn't gash enough you have to combine it with TWEE. Like Kate Nash and all the ensuing 'BBC 3: The Album' gubbins that followed. My flatmate asked me what happens when Match.com pairs people who are obviously twats together: this advert is it. Imagine the band. The pub gigs. The sheer fucking opinions they're gonna have. It'll be unbearable, idiotic, and more banal than a thousand covers of 'Many of Horror'. I hope they give birth to a grenade. That hates them.



This, on the other hand, is just twee. And it's part of Honda's 'THE POWER OF DREAMS' campaign which induces feelings of inspiration amongst tumultuous bell-ends the world over. As well as advertising a product that has a minimum setting of 'OMG I'M ACTUALLY BLIN-*tree branch through brain*' it features a cover version of an already annoying song that is so saccharine and twinkly and like the orgasm of a fairy-whore that it makes me feel physically sick (I hate faires. I loathe the prospect of their being more of them. What kind of self respecting species requires complete belief in their existence to survive? A FAILURE of a species, that's what).



Ah Confused.com, and their latest iteration of nightmarish mundanity. Having started off with a low-budget affair featuring a man screaming at the possibility of CHOICES, before moving onto a low-budget affair featuring real people with no self-awareness whatsoever who all scream 'I HAVE MY OWN YOUTUBE CHANNEL' at the screen they have now settled on a mascot who looks like someone trying to cure their Leukaemia by constantly drinking gin. With her strident voice, insistence in its own validity, and utterance of statements such as 'The Internet is one of the most important inventions of the Twenty-First Century', there is no way that I can't use the phrase 'spacktacular fudhole' in relation to the creature on display in this advert.


Also, as people on the comments board on YouTube pointed out, she very clearly pulls the entire microphone stand out of her fanny. I cannot and will not imagine the state of her clopper.