As Creosote

I'm rich.

I just came out of a meeting with a major production company - can't say which one, their name is actually an untranslatable word from the Necronomicon - and they're very excited about an idea I pitched for Saturday night tea-time telly.

The as-yet-untitled project blends family entertainment with a social conscience, and is hosted by the erotic homonculi of Patrick Kielty, Paddy McGuinness, and Vernon Kay. Banter.

The concept is delightfully simple: a family team of four has to lure a tramp to the television studios using any means necessary. They then participate in a series of challenges designed to test their tramp to the limit.

The first round is a culinary challenge, as the families seek to make a meal so delicious that the tramps are actually moved to tears. Points will be awarded per millilitre of moisture, sucked from the tramps' eyes with a special hoover. Recipes will be available on a website after the show. This game is followed by the families' attempts to make an overnight shelter using only a flat-packed cardboard box, some string, and an old copy of The Metro. They have sixty seconds in which to design, build and test their shelters, and the one that shows the most structural integrity in the wind tunnel will be the victor.

The next round is the Jism Viscosity round, where two members of the family take turns masturbating the tramp and proffering their chins. We have high hopes that this round will become affectionately known as the 'Oh god, no, not my eyes' round, and the winner is the team whose tramp jizz touches the floor last. The more viscous the expulsion, the more points you win. And what do points mean?

Well, that's the beauty of the thing. Points mean family. The team that wins gets a new house, including the tramp. Not only are you providing a public service, but you're gaining a friend.

The final round is an adventure round, as the teams enter the realm of 'The Big-Ish Shoe'. Inside The Big-Ish Shoe is a series of obstacles and challenges for the whole family to enjoy, such as 'Making eye contact with a stranger', 'Not being smothered in your sleep by your own dog', 'Why not just end it all?', and 'That first inkling that the kindly stranger is a rapist'.

But, as I said, we aren't entirely sure what to call it. I welcome any suggestions.

Here's hoping that it actually gets the love and care it needs to flourish as a series, and doesn't just end up on the late-night Channel 5 schedule presented by Justin Lee-Collins.