He has co-written for the great ('Fuck You' by Cee Lo Green) and Kesha. Remember the South African World Cup song? He helped with that. The man, like a goth fish, obviously knows his way around a hook.
Unfortunately, he is also a bell-end.
I am basing this entirely around two things:
1. His lyrics.
2. The fact that he chose his stage name for the following reason: "I felt like I didn't have [any] pizzazz, and a lot of girls say I’m out of this world, so I was like I guess I'm from Mars."
See? Bell-end. Not content with offering the smuggest of smug reasons and looking like his smug fedora is only on his thumb-like head to contain all the smuggery, Enceladus - the sixth largest Moon of Saturn - is the most likely place in our Solar System that might support life, YOU TWAT. Imagine not knowing that.
Anyway. His lyrics.
They're utter bollocks.
Imagine a bollock, just hanging there, chilling (to the extent that a bollock can chill), minding its own business. Then imagine an entire wind tunnel full of bollocks, all contorted in such a way that the shrivelled skin forms a tiny, screaming face. IN STEREO.
That's how bollocks Bruno Mars lyrics are. Let's go into detail. From 'Grenade':
'Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss.'
ME AM NO GUD GRAMMUR YUH?
He follows up this illiterate mung-storm with:
'Why were they open?'
Don't snigger. This is a serious dissection of culture. And also begs the question, 'If it's such a big deal, why were yours open too Bruno? HMMMM?'
He continues:
'Gave you all I had/And you tossed it in the trash'
Then:
'You tossed it in the trash, you did.'
Just in case we weren't sure. Bruno appears to be haplessly devoted to someone who is not reciprocating. OH WOE.
'I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)/Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah).'
This is the chorus. It's nowhere near as catchy as I was expecting. I was promised the catchiest substance known to man when this song was described to me. I was thinking catchy like syphilis or the plague, but no. It's about as catchy as AIDs. You might find it catchy by accident, but it's also highly possible that you might have to be rather careless.
Also, I'm curious as to the veracity of Mars' statements. He's prone to hyperbole you see, and of not giving us the full picture. This grenade f'rinstance, is it live? If it's not live then catching it is no biggie, and if it is just chuck it back. You've played Call of Duty right Bruno? You should, it's well good. All sorts of limbs flying all over the place, people throwing their hands on blades, etc. Yes, you did just imply you would throw your severed hand onto a knife. Is it the knife you used to remove said hand? To give to your loved one? To ask her to plant it so lots of little You might grow? That's scary Bruno Mars, that's just plain scary. At least you wouldn't jump in front of a train for her.
'I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)'.
Oh.
'You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)'.
Bruno, are you actually mentally well? Is this song actually about a form of insanity brought on by unrequited love? Because if it is, the tune is slightly too jaunty. And do you know what Bruno, the following lyric is not romantic:
'When I see your face/There's not a thing that I would change '
That's not as good as you think it is, Bruno. Most men do not lie awake at night looking at their partner's faces and going over them with a felt tip to save time when they awake in a plastic surgeon's theatre, as you give them the thumbs up before they go under again. No-one in the history of romance has ever uttered the words 'I love you but I want to change your face'.
Still, looking forward to the Biffy Clyro cover of that song. Maybe they'll do it in the style of their early stuff. Y'know. WHEN THEY WERE GOOD.
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