Voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens

Thursday morning arrived with the dawning realisation that I had agreed to write up a guest blog for these intriguing coves at ‘I We Two Three’. My remit? Something scatological about the steaming pile of ordure that dresses up in its finest orangerie that passes itself off as Scotland’s NEWS. The first great imponderable for many a middle aged man is getting to the bottom of just who got hot and steamy with the trio of pregnant weather girls. Doesn’t the editor realise that when Judith Ralston stands side on, most of the South of Scotland and the Borders are obscured by shadows of little feet and fists desperate trying to escape from La Ralston’s scented mimsy?

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When it comes to matters of gravitas your average Scottish viewer would be better served tuning into Babe-station XXX for a more insightful and less partial take from the beguiling tiny costumed, giggling gals that make up their special correspondents. This week on Reporting Strathclyde we saw the three Unionist dependent parties and the TartanOverlord4FM party, breakdance their way into some electorate appealing moves, in order to mesmerise us with their silky shapes, just enough to put an X beside their name. Reporting Scotland with somewhat undisguised relish ran their obligatory Labour-are-Gods-and-we-are-not-worthy-of-their-munificence press release. Whilst exclusively releasing the scientific expert fact that voting SNP causes cancer in fluffy orphaned kittens.

 

The programmes ‘anchor’ Jackie Bird, a sort of garish technicolor Mary Marquis for older readers, was squirming with girlish delight this week as events conspired to present her with an opportunity to bring us news of a trinity of famous Scottish shaggers. Yes, Monday saw former fitba player Andy Gray’s renowned inability to look a woman in the eye turn round and deprive him of his £30 grand a week gig for uttering gibberish on space telly. Tuesday brought us Burns Night in all its Rotary club, shortbread infused lachrymosity and gave Jackie the opportunity to look winsomely at the camera, in her stock ‘whaes like us’ face, that you might find on an oxygen deprived baby moo cow. Last night, we had the finale, the crescendo, the orgiastic shuddering climax, the all-out spectacular bukake-lite money shot as Tangerime Tam, the Satsuma Socialist was sent down for a long stretch in the Bar-L.

 

This more than any other story is what makes Unreported Scotland well worth dodging the license fee van when it comes a-calling. The day started with the BBC Scotland twitteratti getting their collective gussets wringing damp, as our legal Lords and masters allowed reporters to do something legally, that they’ve been illegally doing for ages, tweet directly from the courtside.

 

Raymond Buchanan was the Rep Scotland fastest fingerer, updating a slavering public with who the gargoyles behind Gail were, how often El Tommo would use the word ‘comrades’ in Sheridan Bingo and how long his stay in the pokey was to be. Mr Buchanan somewhat blotted his copy book when he later tweet-bitched that Tommy wouldn’t do a pre-sentencing interview with Rep Scotland because he ‘didn’t like their earlier reporting of his case’.

 

Perhaps the realisation that Reporting Scotland illegally got their hands on the actual tapes from both of the Sherdian interrogation interviews by Lothian & Borders Police, quite possibly before they were played to the Judge and Jury in evidence, and the actuality that Lothian & Borders are the same plod who spent millions of pounds investigating, for the first time ever, an alleged perjury in a Civil case, you have to wonder why Mr Buchanan was surprised at the refusal of “Scotland’s Highest Profile Liar” to give a wee interview to Raymond and Jackie…Now in a fair and just society someone might just report BBC Scotland to OFCOM for acquiring these tapes illegally. Personally I look forward to Lothian and Borders plod spending millions revealing the guilty officer and his subsequent trial...

 

 

 

In the run up to the 2011 election do yourself a favour, avoid Reporting Scotland, it’s relentless negativity and Labourite cheerleading is not good for your health or our future. For more of my ill-informed muses and spleen venting cyberifically wind your way to the blog that caused a lot of trouble...

From The Universality of Cheese