GODFATHER 3 IS NOT AN OLD MOVIE YOU CUMSHOT

Attention Marketing Scum. Who told you we wanted twee ads? Who was it? The Jews? Oh you'd like me to believe that wouldn't you? You can't go pinning all your evil deeds on the Jews. Haven't you got the History Channel? Throughout history only Jesus got away with that, and he's a massive paedophile (he's God, God is everywhere, children are somewhere, thus God is in children).

Where was I? Oh yes.

Twee ads are shite. As if Landfill Faux-Camden Slick Shlock Indie wasn't gash enough you have to combine it with TWEE. Like Kate Nash and all the ensuing 'BBC 3: The Album' gubbins that followed. My flatmate asked me what happens when Match.com pairs people who are obviously twats together: this advert is it. Imagine the band. The pub gigs. The sheer fucking opinions they're gonna have. It'll be unbearable, idiotic, and more banal than a thousand covers of 'Many of Horror'. I hope they give birth to a grenade. That hates them.

This, on the other hand, is just twee. And it's part of Honda's 'THE POWER OF DREAMS' campaign which induces feelings of inspiration amongst tumultuous bell-ends the world over. As well as advertising a product that has a minimum setting of 'OMG I'M ACTUALLY BLIN-*tree branch through brain*' it features a cover version of an already annoying song that is so saccharine and twinkly and like the orgasm of a fairy-whore that it makes me feel physically sick (I hate faires. I loathe the prospect of their being more of them. What kind of self respecting species requires complete belief in their existence to survive? A FAILURE of a species, that's what).

Ah Confused.com, and their latest iteration of nightmarish mundanity. Having started off with a low-budget affair featuring a man screaming at the possibility of CHOICES, before moving onto a low-budget affair featuring real people with no self-awareness whatsoever who all scream 'I HAVE MY OWN YOUTUBE CHANNEL' at the screen they have now settled on a mascot who looks like someone trying to cure their Leukaemia by constantly drinking gin. With her strident voice, insistence in its own validity, and utterance of statements such as 'The Internet is one of the most important inventions of the Twenty-First Century', there is no way that I can't use the phrase 'spacktacular fudhole' in relation to the creature on display in this advert.

Also, as people on the comments board on YouTube pointed out, she very clearly pulls the entire microphone stand out of her fanny. I cannot and will not imagine the state of her clopper.